Celebrate Indeed

Ran my first 5K in honor of my sweet boy. Over 526 names were listed on the Lost and Found website for a balloon purchase. You purchase a balloon for your loved one that has passed, join others at the balloon release and could run/walk the race in their honor. It was such a great but emotional day. I didn't want to be running in Gavin's name, because I wanted him with me. But as I looked around at so many others missing their loved ones too, I realized we are not alone on this journey. It broke my heart seeing so many families there, so many running to honor their loved one that had passed. My best friend April ran with me. She pushed me and encouraged me the whole time. I know we did my dad proud as we quoted Scripture verses to each other the entire time. Funny as he wanted us to quote on those Bible Bowl trips so many years ago, and we always fought him. And that training so long ago helped us this day. And even though talking at the same time as running a 5K was hard, we recited God's word to each other. Thank you dad for pushing us though we fought. Seeing my family and loved ones was so uplifting and I could feel the prayers from so many. Thank you deeply. Seeing my little girl and my husband holding encouraging signs up for us as we ran by did my heart good.

That was followed by a day in Mansfield with April and Lyndlee. April and I decided to treat ourselves to turning 30; so we went to the Laura Ingalls Wilder Museum. Lyndlee thought all morning we were going to see dinosaurs but ended up loving all of it. She is a girl after our own hearts.

Days away now from Gavin's birthday. These last few days we have been going to White Water in the afternoons. Today Lyndlee was playing in the kid section and this little dark haired, dark eyes, and dark skin boy kept circling the park. Melted my heart as I just pictured it as Gavin. Brennan took the kids once last year while I was in Cambodia. So I got to ask him what Gavin thought of everything. He said his favorite part was when food was brought over to him! I love my boy and could picture him chowing down his food. This 3rd birthday for Gavin will be different. We won't be planning a party of what he would enjoy or ask for. Maybe we will eat a cake. Maybe there will be balloons. I know there will be sadness. So thankful for the week being busy for our family, a blessing from God. We will still celebrate Gavin. We will celebrate his life that he lived on this earth. We will celebrate his life with Jesus now. We will celebrate Jesus making a way. We will celebrate Heaven, Love, and Grace. We will celebrate indeed.

She does my heart good

I love how Lyndlee loves. She loves with her whole heart and teaches us every day how to love better. She enjoys making pictures and wanted to mail a picture to her friend baby Ruthie who is in the hospital. She got all dressed up to walk the letter to the mailbox. I love how she loves.

She also wrote me this letter yesterday.

She told me what is says: Dear Momma, I hope you love me through your heart. I like little ponies, my favorite is twilight sparkle. Gavin is in heaven. I will wait to see him. I love him, I love daddy. I can't wait to see Jesus. I love Him all through my heart. I love you all through my heart, all way down low. Love, Lyndlee. She does my heart good. I have been blessed with such sweet children who teach me every day and such a caring, loving husband. Thank you Lord.

Running the Race

I didn't enjoy running when I was in track in high school. My love for running started with my son. Gavin was a handsome, ornery, into everything, jumping and climbing on everything kind of boy. He spent more time tackling his sister, eating food and everyone's leftovers, and making strangers smile than he did sleeping. Sleep was boring to him. So nap time was a fight every single day. At a very young age he learned to climb out of his bed. I would put him down in bed for nap and he would jump out the minute I left the room. This would be followed by Lyndlee yelling to tattle on him. He got very smart and could hear my footsteps down the hall, so he would jump back into bed. By the time I got to the room, he was back in bed; pretending to be asleep with a huge grin on his face and twinkle in his eyes. This would be nonstop for hours. This is where my love for running started. Once he finally would fall asleep, I needed an outlet. I was frustrated and exhausted and would run on the treadmill. Sometimes I would cry because I would think why is he so naughty? What am I supposed to do? Sometimes I would laugh thinking of all the things he was doing. Sometimes I would text Brennan of all the naughty things his son was doing. Gavin had an outlet too. He would get frustrated at me making him nap, so he would tackle his monkey and get angry at it. We were too peas in a pod I tell you. After Gavin died, I stopped running. Satan really used that to make me feel guilty. He made me feel like I was a bad mother; that I was punishing him making him take a nap. But in March I started back running. Now when I run, I still have him on my mind. I long for the days I would be running because I was frustrated at him. But gone are those days. So now I run to spend time with the Lord. I run to think about my sweet boy at the throne of Jesus. I run to pray for my caring husband and precious daughter who are hurting so deeply. I run to run my race. My favorite verse lately as become Hebrews 12:1b Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us and let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. I may not fully understand this race now. I may not like it somedays. But this is my race Jesus has marked out for me and I will run it, focusing on Him. Next week my best friend and I will be running a race. This will be my first 5K and it will be in honor of Gavin. Its for lost loved ones and what an honor to be running in his sweet name, knowing fully he ran his race and he is done. He has completed his work and has received his full reward from Jesus.

9 Years

Brennan and I celebrated our 9 year anniversary. He is so sweet and thoughtful. He asked a friend at church if we could borrow this for the night. It was so much fun. We enjoyed a wonderful dinner together. I love that man and am blessed to be his wife.

Lyndlee got to do all this while we were "dating" is what she calls it! She is loved and loved so well.

Hope

We traveled to Lawrence to see Eddie graduating from KU Law School. We were so honored to be there. Lyndlee was so excited to show support for her big brother. Eddie has been such a great friend, and part of our family. He always is visiting, making the kids feel so loved and special. He was in one of our first youth ministries we served at 6 years ago. Lyndlee has always had such a strong bond with Eddie and Gavin did as well. Lyndlee was beaming as Eddie walked across the stage. She said his name loud and waved at him proudly. I was cherishing the moment but sad at the same time that she wouldn't have this with Gavin. But I was thankful that Eddie and his family let us share in this moment. We are so proud of you Eddie. Come visit soon, your sister is waiting!

For Mother's Day Brennan and Lyndlee got me a new tattoo, I love them and they get me. Its my constant reminder that though the days are hard and overwhelming at times, that we have hope. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. Hebrews 6:19

This week has been hard and overwhelming; full of more firsts. This being the first Mother's Day without my sweet boy in my arms. This morning I spent time praying, crying out and just being quiet. I was not going to let the grief take over, but I thought I would stay in the house and in bed for the day but a dear friend encouraged that we come for lunch. I am so glad she did. It was a great afternoon basking in God's goodness and His creation. As we were riding four wheelers on their beautiful property, I whispered to my husband that our precious boy was seeing so much more beauty than what our eyes can even imagine! That does my heart good to remember. When I am sad and missing him, I constantly ask God to give me strength, to show love and mercy, and let me remember His goodness, to hold on to the Hope we have as an anchor for our souls. Firm.and.Secure.

Things that make me Smile

Celebrating Lyndlee's life this week. What a joy she is.

Love this little cowgirl.

Lyndlee and her creativity.

Grateful for these two in my life.

Tea Party with my sweet family.

That I was chosen to be his mommy.

That He is coming back!

Thankful Heart

Today I am choosing to be thankful. This week we have jumped hurdles and especially sweet Lyndlee. She faced her fears and went to her Kindergarten Screening and rocked it! It was such a big deal for her; trusting someone she didn't know, talking to them and opening up to them. Ever since Gavin died, Lyndlee has closed herself off just a little from people, and quite honestly so have I. We like to control our surroundings and feel safe and secure. Preschool has been ups and downs for Lyndlee struggling to talk to her friends and her teacher, to trust and open up. But she has gone every week and I have been so proud of her. She encourages me to open myself up to others too. And now she tackled the Kindergarten Screening. Her giggles and smiles afterwards were priceless because she did it, she faced her fears. Today I am thankful for her sweet courageous heart and how she teaches me every day. Filling out the school paperwork was hard for Brennan and I. You see on paper Gavin doesn't exist. They ask you to list siblings living in the home. How hard it was not to list his precious name as her brother, I wanted to scream it from the roof top. He is her brother! But by paper he is not acknowledged and I hate that fact. So instead we had to list him on the section that says "deaths in family". We wrote about her birth mom dying and her brother Gavin dying. And I hate that and it broke me. But today I am choosing to be thankful. I am so thankful God blessed us with His sweet little boy Gavin. I am so glad we got to be his family for those awesome 17 months. I am so thankful he is my baby boy, he is Lyndlee's brother, he is Brennan's ornery boy. I am so thankful we know Where he is at and Who he is with. I am so thankful he now knows the answers we everyday ask and wonder. This weekend we are celebrating our sweet Lyndlee Jya-Ying who turns 5 on May 9th. The 9th. So many things have happened on the 9th. Lyndlee was born May 9th, Gavin was born June 9th, Gavin went home to Jesus August 9th. And my heart breaks because Gavin won't be here chasing Lyndlee and eating all her birthday cake. Another hurdle to jump, another first. But today I choose to be thankful. I will celebrate my sweet Lyndlee and watch friends and family pour their love on her this weekend. I am thankful my baby boy is with the King and one day soon we too shall see. I am thankful I have an amazing husband, my best friend and wonderful father to my children. I am thankful we have Hope as an anchor for our soul, firm and secure. Today I am thankful. Therefore since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire. Hebrews 12:28