tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9074523177915692672024-03-05T16:11:43.003-08:00Every good and perfect gift is from above. James 1:17Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.comBlogger202125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-20322237521550673802014-01-21T13:26:00.000-08:002014-01-21T13:28:33.040-08:00Finding my Voice <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<pre style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.299999237060547px; white-space: normal;">I haven't had a voice. I haven't had anything to say. I have been working through my silence and anger towards God. I have been battling my grief full on.</pre>
<pre style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.299999237060547px; white-space: normal;">And what is humorous is now I am going to counseling each week to find my voice again. Because I have buried it, along with my pain. My anger comes out in huge ugly waves but everything else is silent. And I am slowly killing myself in a sense. I am shutting everyone out and living in this anger. And I have wanted nothing to do with God. I haven't opened my Bible and my prayers are few and far between. I feel God owes me. I feel He owes me my son back. I have kept my mind and heart so busy that I haven't dealt with this. And thoughts of taking my life slip in my mind often because the father of lies tells me I am not worthy, that I am alone, and that I am not loved. The battles are heavy and his whispers are very head on with my grief. For he tells me I can't carry children, I can't keep them alive, and I can't mother them. He hits us all where we are the weakest doesn't he?</pre>
<pre style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.299999237060547px; white-space: normal;">And now it is time to deal with it again, to battle with it once again, to fight this defeated foe. Maybe you know exactly what this means and feels like. Maybe you read this and think oh my she is loosing it. But maybe, just maybe you too are battling grief.</pre>
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<pre style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.299999237060547px; white-space: normal;">So to those walking your valley of shadow of death. To those in grief and battling the father of lies. </pre>
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<pre style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.299999237060547px; white-space: normal;">You are not alone. You are valued. You have purpose. You are loved. </pre>
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<pre style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.299999237060547px; white-space: normal;">My six year old daughter made notes of love and encouragement for each person in our family yesterday. Yes we are a family of five even though when you count us here on earth we are a family of four. You see our Gavin is home with Jesus.
So my daughter wrote him a note and placed it at the place she knew, alongside the picture of them together, smiling and full of joy.
I looked at this tiny piece of paper that she wrote the initial "G" on and tears flooded my eyes and anger came quickly into my heart. Satan wanted this battle too.
But God won my heart and mind over and softened them both. He opened my eyes to a sister's love for her brother. He opened my eyes as I watched and listened to her talking to perhaps her brother Gavin and to Jesus. When I asked her who she was talking too, she said it was her secret and just smiled.
She knows.
She knows she is not alone and she knows she is loved by Him even in the valley. She knows she has a purpose and she knows she is valued. Even when she has questions. Even when her heart hurts desperately to see her brother again. </pre>
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<pre style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.299999237060547px; white-space: normal;">And this encouraged me greatly on a day I needed to know this truth. On a day the grief was just swallowing me whole and satan didn't want me to see any of these truths.
May you know too my dear friend as you journey your valley.
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<pre style="white-space: normal;">You are not alone. You are valued. You have purpose. You are loved.</pre>
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And you are loved greatly by your Abba Father.</pre>
Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-81439630390074585772013-06-26T16:26:00.001-07:002013-06-26T16:41:55.178-07:00Pictures<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"></span><br />
<pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;">Somewhere along the line you develop a picture of what your family should have looked like. </pre>
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<pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;">Reggie Joiner spoke at our church last week and said this phrase along with others that are just stuck in my heart. </pre>
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<pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;">Just because the picture didn't turn out, doesn't mean your story is over. </pre>
<pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;">There is a bigger story, a story of restoration and redemption.
(Joiner) </pre>
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<pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;">These phrases take my breath away. </pre>
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<pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;">These phrases I fight daily to try to get a grasp on. </pre>
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<pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;">Paul tells us in Philippians that he forgets what is behind and strains toward what is ahead. He presses on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called him heavenward in Christ Jesus.
And when I read that my heart fills with deep sorrow and complete joy all at the same time.
Forgetting pictures of what should have been, forgetting what is behind and moving forward towards our prize is easier said than done. </pre>
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<pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;">I want my son, I want to go back to those pictures and to those times. </pre>
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<pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;">Lately I am broken, raw, and depressed.
I am an emotional eater so thank goodness I love to run as well. Basically I want a box of cupcakes everyday and I am not ashamed to admit it. I mean look how ridiculous yummy they look.</pre>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: monospace; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">When I am down I realize more than ever I run to food. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: monospace; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">Friends, let me tell you from experience it doesn't fix anything and can easily become an idol. Sure it helps my heart for a split second but the pain and agony are still there, also along with the pounds. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: monospace; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">But our great God, He meets me even when I run to that stupid cupcake first. He meets me in my messiness and puts the brokenness of my heart and my pictures back together. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: monospace; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">And He does it daily.</span><br />
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<pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;">And He will do the same for you. </pre>
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<pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;">We recently bought my sister's van and it already is such a blessing and we are so grateful. </pre>
<pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;">But it was one more thing I had to tackle.
To me the car was easy, there wasn't really any more room in there. Honestly that thinking doesn't make sense because Gavin rode in that car. </pre>
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<pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;">But with the van I look back and see what should have been. </pre>
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<pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;">I see empty seats. </pre>
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<pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;">I see the pieces of our broken pictures but I also can see God's redemption and restoration story in the life of our sweet Israel; our second son we never imagined would come into our lives.</pre>
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Another thing my family tackled was taking family pictures. This sweet new friend wanted to bless us with her talent and captured my family in the most beautiful ways, honoring all three of my children. We are so appreciative.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: monospace; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">But taking them was one thing, hanging them up is another. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: monospace; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">And it is something I can't seem to do. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: monospace; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">I keep looking back at our old pictures and what our life was. But when I do this, I miss out on what God has in store. I miss out on His bigger story. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: monospace; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">So I will start praying for those empty seats in our van and whatever God wants to do with them. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: monospace; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">I will keep one foot in front of the other racing towards that prize of heaven and maybe one day will be able to hang some beautiful pictures of my family on the wall.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: monospace; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">In the words of Reggie Joiner,</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: monospace; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">It is not about your pictures. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: monospace; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">Let them go. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: monospace; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">Turn your back on the pictures of your broken pieces. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: monospace; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">Turn your life in the direction of the story God wants to tell through your life that is bigger than you ever imagined.</span><br />
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Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-62538049173067438412013-06-10T12:38:00.000-07:002013-06-10T12:38:52.761-07:00Happy 4th Birthday Gavin Pan Conklin!I thought all day Saturday what kind of party we would throw. Would it be centered around a certain animal? Would it be a bee theme? You loved pretending to be a bee, finding bees in books, and made buzzy sounds even. Would it be batman? Would it be baseball theme and share in the love for the game with your daddy? <br />
I let my mind wonder all day thinking about that, wishing and aching to just have you here and planning your party. <br />
And what would you be doing at age 4? Still picking on your sister of course? Jumping and climbing on everything? What would you be saying? Some times I will call my good friend to ask what her sweet little boy is saying and doing. Gavin and her son were buddies in Taiwan and are so much alike.<br />
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A lot of guilt entered my heart from satan's schemes. I never threw you a big party and I am so sorry for that. I so wished I would have. But satan can't win in my thoughts so I fought him all day long. And God kept whispering to my heart all day that no party I would have thrown could surpass all that you are experiencing now. You have complete joy. You have fulfilled life. So take that satan. You loose once again.<br />
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So we spent the day celebrating you Gavin and thinking of what you would like to do.<br />
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So we started the morning with balloons from my sister and her family. Thanks for always thinking of my family sweet sister. <br />
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We spent the day being together; laughing, smiling, crying or whatever emotion came our way. <br />
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This boy will not and I repeat will not take this bracelet off that my sister sent. We talk him out of not sleeping with it but the moment he wakes up, he wants it on. Brennan is not letting him live this one down and keeps teasing him being girly. But that smile. Melt my heart.<br />
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Gavin's favorite color was green. So Lyndlee decided we all needed to wear green. You that know Brennan will laugh out loud at this as you know how much he hates being a family that matches. But he took one for the team. And low and behold we walked into the restaurant to eat and the lady said, "Oh wow, you all have green on." You should have seen Brennan's face. Priceless.<br />
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We had to be silly. Gavin was silly. Ornery and crazy and silly all the time. He taught us to love and to live your life to the fullest. He taught us to make the most of every day and every moment.<br />
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My artsy girl had to get her craft on, so sewing it was. Those precious little fingers that make so many beautiful things that speak directly to our heart and soul. Thank you God.<br />
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We were just missing you baby boy so we decided to relax at home with some ice cream. Four candles and singing happy birthday honestly just broke our hearts, oh how we wish we were celebrating together. Soon and very soon.<br />
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Balloons for our birthday boy. Batman, Cars, baseball, and one that said big brother.<br />
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Thank you friends for the prayers. Thank you for the cards in the mail for our Gavin. Thank you for remembering. The loss of your child is hard and never makes sense. Everyday is a new day full of challenges but also full of blessings. Birthdays are a time to celebrate life but absolutely there is mourning in our celebrations.</div>
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Thank you for the donations to ministries in Gavin's name. We are so honored and grateful that you have done those things. What a way to honor Gavin's life by helping and loving others. </div>
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Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-748764716329094892013-05-10T15:36:00.000-07:002013-05-10T15:36:37.226-07:00Israel, Disney, Mother's Day, and our Gracious God<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"></span><br />
<pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;">Israel has adjusted so well, like he has always been here with us.
He traveled great on the long plane ride, greeting the wonderful friends and family at the airport to greet us home, riding in his car seat, and coming into our house for the first time.
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: monospace; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: monospace; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: monospace; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">Our friend Joanna captured Lyndlee hugging Israel and it is the sweetest picture. Lyndlee prayed for so long for Israel, even before she met him she was praying for him. And the Lord answered her prayers.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: monospace; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: monospace; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">I wish I could know what his little brain was thinking as he was completely surrounded by all new things.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"><pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;"> </pre>
</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"><pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;">But he is brave and strong and took everything like a pro.
He eats all the time, he sleeps through the night in his big boy bed.</pre>
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I am lucky if he naps for 40 minutes during the day. Today I snapped this picture of Israel and his daddy taking a nap. </pre>
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He hated baths for the first few days but loves to splash everything and everyone in sight now.
He loves to follow his sister Lyndlee whom he likes to call La-La.</pre>
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He knows I am his mommy and Brennan his daddy and that our dog is Sasha.
He says Jesus, Bible, and puts his arms high in the air to say hallelujah.
He laughs and smiles all the time.
He can throw a fit by being so dramatic and throwing his body on the ground. Of course he is always watching to make sure someone is paying attention to the fit.
He is stubborn and will sit in time out and even giggle.
He laughs when I tell him no.
He runs from you when you are about to change his clothes or diaper. He runs away and giggles.
I tell him he is like his big brother in so many ways.
He loves to pray. He folds his little hands together and starts talking to Jesus.
He says bye-bye, hi, no, and thank you.
He uses sign language for please and more.
He nods his little head when he says thank you and it is the sweetest thing.
He loves his doggie which is his blanket that a special family gave him when he was just a little baby.
He loves to have it and suck his thumb to fall asleep.</pre>
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<pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;">He has made Lyndlee giggle her silly giggles again.
He has brought more laughter and joy into my family.</pre>
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<pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;">He loves the beach and the park with his sister La-La.</pre>
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Israel is our son and such a blessing from the Lord, such a sweet addition to our family. He is my renewed hope.</pre>
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We love being a family of five.
Gavin and Israel will be the best of friends, they just have to wait till heaven.
His surname is Hsieh which means thanks.
And His Chinese name is Chen-Gwang which means morning light.
And Brennan chose the name Israel for the example of Jacob in the Bible becoming Israel.
He was one who struggles/wrestles with God. And in the Bible what you see is that through Jacob's struggle with God, he walks away with a limp and a blessing and a new name Israel which means God has striven, and has saved.
This weekend we are taking the kids to Disney. Some friends so graciously blessed us with tickets to go. Thank you!
And I think back when we first came to Disney was August 2011 after burying Gavin's ashes in Taiwan. We were broken, we were mourning, and we were trying to make happy family memories. But we didn't do such a good job. We did a lot of crying at supposedly the happiest place on earth.
This time will be different. We will be celebrating. </pre>
<pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;">Celebrating Lyndlee turning 6.</pre>
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: monospace; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">Celebrating Israel being with us </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: monospace; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">and celebrating Gavin being home with Jesus.</span><br />
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<pre style="line-height: 21px; white-space: normal;">
Many things to celebrate indeed but we will miss making these memories with Gavin. But he is making memories of his own and one day soon we will be home.
And my mother's heart is aching still this Mother's Day, yet overflowing with love and joy.
</pre>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"><pre style="line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; white-space: normal;">My children are who they are today because such loving people cared for and loved them in Taiwan. We are so grateful.</pre>
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<pre style="line-height: 21px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; white-space: normal;">God is indeed a loving and gracious God.</pre>
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</span>Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-30285143075998470302013-04-16T21:05:00.000-07:002013-04-16T21:05:30.672-07:00Blessed beyond words.This past weekend I traveled with wonderful women to the beautiful mountains created by the Lord God.<br />
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To be honest I am not the best at making friends and hanging out with women. Put me with children, high school students, or college students; I am good. So God was stretching me asking me to go. Not only going but stretching me and asking me to share the story He has written for my life.<br />
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I am completely fine with sharing our story with my fuse group girls, close friends, my blog, or one on one conversations. But to completely be open and vulnerable and share with women I didn't know, yes completely out of my comfort zone.<br />
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The day before we were to leave for this retreat, I woke up early in the morning to check my email like I have since last October. That is what you do when you are adopting, you check your email obsessively and pray for any sort of news.<br />
You see I had prayed that God would send news of Israel before I left on this retreat. Going to this retreat with no news felt too overwhelming and daunting to my heart and mind.<br />
So I opened my email and no news and I was broken but like every other morning I had a choice. I could have sulked in the "no news" or instead give God the day for His glory and purpose and earnestly pray He would work in my heart and mind.<br />
But I thought I would email the home in Taiwan to see just maybe if they had any news. A few minutes later I got an email saying they had news and I could come to Taiwan to get Israel. I couldn't believe it and had to read the email a thousand times before I could tell Brennan and Lyndlee.<br />
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At the retreat, I remember being on my knees after practicing my words and just begging God to change things once again. Even though its been almost two years, I still beg Him to change things. I still ache some days as though the cross is not enough for me, as though the cross and His love hasn't changed everything completely!<br />
I was asking for God to speak through me but I was demanding I didn't want to give this testimony, that I wanted my son Gavin here with me. <br />
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That morning for session God heard my begging and denied my request but met me in the most beautiful way.<br />
The worship leader started playing the piano and it was beautiful worship songs. <br />
And then she started playing "Untitled Hymn" by Chris Rice which was a song that was played at Gavin's funeral.<br />
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And God spoke to me in that moment and through that song. He reassured me that He had Gavin and that I was to speak and give Him all the glory.<br />
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Afterwards I went to thank the worship leader and she told me that at times like that she plays what the Spirit lays on her heart. Only God.<br />
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Another moment was weeks before this retreat I was looking on Facebook and admiring these beautiful pictures that families were getting taken. The photographer was capturing their families in beautiful and unique ways. And my mind immediately said, "God we will never take pictures like that because it will hurt too much with Gavin being gone."<br />
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And at the retreat and after I spoke this beautiful girl came up to me and said the most encouraging words and gave the best hugs. She then said she was a photographer and wanted to capture our family once Israel was home. And she told me her name and her website name and I almost fell to my knees. It was the very photographer and her work that I was admiring the weeks before.<br />
God was saying to me, "You will take pictures, you will rejoice, and have hope because Gavin is with Me and Israel is coming into your life. And this is not the end."<br />
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God speaks. And don't you love when He speaks directly to your heart and to your soul? <br />
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There is nothing better.<br />
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What a generous and loving God we have. And yet I still demand things and beg Him to change things. I am so grateful He is forgiving and understanding of my weaknesses.<br />
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So in 10 days I am getting on a plane with diapers, wipes, little boy clothes and shoes, and my heart full of love to go see my Israel once again. <br />
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And Lyndlee is anxiously waiting as she sits in his bed and plays with all his toys.<br />
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On April 30th, Lord willing, I will be bringing Israel home to reunite him with his daddy and his sister.<br />
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And we will be a family of five. And I am blessed beyond words.<br />
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Brennan is our strong tower, the one who always points our hearts to Jesus.<br />
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Lyndlee is my joy and teaches me more about Jesus and His great love each day. <br />
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Gavin is my hero and teaches me to love others and to live each day to the fullest. <br />
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And Israel is my renewed hope, a taste of God's goodness through our famine.<br />
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<br />Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-11014412093232071012013-03-12T11:56:00.000-07:002013-03-12T11:56:58.194-07:00Real LifeMy daughter gets it. We memorize Scripture together weekly. It is just good for our souls and hearts. It's a great tool to fight satan with and his attacks, to recite Scripture out loud. God gives us the tools to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. He gives us the shield of faith, He gives us His words and His love. After all, as David Platt always says, "We are fighting a defeated foe"!<br />
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Memorizing Scripture has helped my daughter's heart and her fears at school and being away from us. She recalls His words when she is scared and I am so thankful for God putting His words on her heart.<br />
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Sunday we were sitting with some of my college age girls in the baptism class. And Brennan happened to be teaching. And I didn't think she was listening but she was because she would laugh when he would make a silly joke. And then she drew this. And she once again blew me out of the water with her faith. And she once again gave me strength at a time I needed it the most. <br />
And once again God said, "I am here, I am for you, I am with her." <br />
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She made this picture all by herself and put the Scripture reference and everything because she knows what true life is. She knows even if we die, like her little brother and so many more before us, that we have life in Jesus. We may die here on earth but we are alive! And her Jesus is waiting, holding tons of balloons!!<br />
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John 11:25 I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies.<br />
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So I am praying you all have real life as well and understand God's wonderful gift for each of us. And I am praying you too are hiding His words in your heart! Anyone can memorize Scripture, even my five year old daughter.<br />
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Another week has gone by. And this waiting I don't understand. I don't like to count to know how many days or years it has been since we have seen Gavin. So likewise I don't like to count or know how long it has been since we last saw Israel. That doesn't do anything for my heart. It puts my heart into planning mode and trying to make sense of waiting.<br />
<br />
Our adoption case and others are in the judge's hands. And this happens all over the world, judges holding the paperwork, causing orphans to remain in orphanages. They have families ready and willing to love an orphan and bring them into a home, but they hold the paperwork. And I don't understand this and never will.<br />
<br />
Israel is in a wonderful loving home, a place we don't ever refer to as an orphanage because it is a home of love. And we know he is okay. And we are grateful and thankful. So we keep waiting.<br />
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Please pray. Pray for orphans all over the world waiting for their family. Pray for judges as my daughter reminds me to just pray for our judge. Pray they make decisions and quickly. Pray they grant favor for families waiting. Pray for caretakers of so many orphans. They love and love well. Pray for the families waiting. Pray that one day there will be no more orphans because they will all have a family to call their own.<br />
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Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-32759003255941483282013-03-06T21:58:00.000-08:002013-03-06T21:58:48.953-08:00Take Captive Every Thought<br />
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Fear.<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I struggle with this word far too often.<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />My human mind playing games + satan's schemes=fear.<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Sickness/fever strike fear in my heart always when it comes to my children. <br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />My mind can't separate this from the night my son died. He had a fever, and shortly after that he died. But deep down in my heart, I know it is different, that the situation is not the same as that August night.<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />But when my daughter gets sick, I think she too will die and we will have no warning. My heart goes into shock and panic starts. And I think once Israel is home I will have that fear with him getting a fever too. <br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Fear makes some nights hard as I check my daughter's pulse or chest to make sure she is breathing. <br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />And satan starts the blame game on my heart and he begins to try to destroy.<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Our adoption papers are now with the higher judge. And from day one I have feared that the judge will not rule in our favor, and that we will loose another son.<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />My worst fear came true once, my human mind reminds me.<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />And I realize this is a fault and sin of mine.<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I can't live in this fear. I can't let it consume me and my thoughts. It isn't healthy and I don't like my family seeing me like this. I don't want my children to learn this behavior. <br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I need to trust in His plans. I need to rest in His peace. I need to continue to place my children in His palms, trusting that He is good.<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I need to take captive Every thought and make it obedient to Christ.<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />2 Corinthians 10:5</span></div>
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Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-9508947777833212562013-02-22T20:32:00.000-08:002013-02-22T20:32:14.669-08:00Courageous<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #2a2a2a; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"></span><br />
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<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;"></pre>
<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #2a2a2a; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">This is the word I use to describe my five year old daughter. </span></pre>
<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #2a2a2a; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Her life has been full of many things already. </span></pre>
<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #2a2a2a; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Anyone who knows her well, knows her heart. And it is amazing. It has been through so much and yet screams love and hope to a broken world. </span></pre>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ9Ps82wYQaDMGJvf0V3w08ohoXSYe3FQTOtGNmn8H1BFWh-_4APXNsGnvNc07Lny-fqVjQKBS1d7r_AYuTHweOav71iDoR7sjFponkBuEKEUGCyYImiYcel7QwzxNF_BFw1HsI8UOLwrf/s1600/lyndlee3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ9Ps82wYQaDMGJvf0V3w08ohoXSYe3FQTOtGNmn8H1BFWh-_4APXNsGnvNc07Lny-fqVjQKBS1d7r_AYuTHweOav71iDoR7sjFponkBuEKEUGCyYImiYcel7QwzxNF_BFw1HsI8UOLwrf/s320/lyndlee3.jpg" width="249" /></a></div>
<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #2a2a2a; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">She has become our joy when times all we had was tears and loss. </span></pre>
<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #2a2a2a; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">She is a tiny Asian princess and yet has the faith and love of a giant. </span></pre>
<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #2a2a2a; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Fear and anxiety fills her heart at times still. And we all pray and can see God filling her heart with faith, hope, and love once again. </span></pre>
<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #2a2a2a; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Movies, change, and noise overwhelm her still. And yet when she is ready we will watch a movie in complete silence. And this is huge. And it may take weeks to move the volume even to a whisper. But she does it and we celebrate because she is tackling another mountain. </span></pre>
<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #2a2a2a; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">School was extremely hard for her at first. But she has braved everyday and has had Scriptures in her heart and mind, resting safely in His palms. </span></pre>
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<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #2a2a2a; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">And today she won an award for outstanding effort, always trying and succeeding in her work. And this is huge. </span></pre>
<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #2a2a2a; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
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<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #2a2a2a; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">She prays at times I don't even think too. She knows the One to go too and that He is for us. </span></pre>
<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #2a2a2a; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
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<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #2a2a2a; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Her Chinese name means "good news" and oh my how she lives up to that meaning. </span></pre>
<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #2a2a2a; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
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<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #2a2a2a; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">And she is indeed courageous.</span></pre>
Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-80660404872599036382013-02-22T20:16:00.000-08:002013-02-22T20:16:18.135-08:00Loving and Serving in the Meantime<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #2a2a2a; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"></span><br />
<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;">Death.
It is apart of us. It is apart of our life here on earth. Everyone is facing their funeral a wise friend told me and that is the truth.
It wasn't God's plans. We sinned and wanted more knowledge than God and brought death and sin upon ourselves. We wanted more when we had all we needed. Our hearts were full but still weren't satisfied.
But God is the gracious one. He still loved us. He still rescued us. He sent His own Son to die for us when we were still sinners.
Death is no more because Jesus defeated death and the grave.
And we have this promise of eternal life too if we believe in Him.
We buried my sweet grandma last week. She lived a life full of serving and loving others. She was a woman of great faith and prayer. She was the caregiver for my grandpa when his altheimzers came. She loved when she wasn't loved back at times. And when he passed, she kept loving. She kept serving even when she was broken.
When my son Gavin died I wanted to crawl in a hole and just stop life. Many times I would call my grandma to talk. She knew death, she knew heartache, and yet she still loved and she still served.
She encouraged me greatly to keep going. She was kind and gentle and loving.
She raised an amazing daughter who portrays all these qualities as well.
And I am incredibly blessed to have her daughter as my sweet mother.
I watched my mother serve and love others even while she was broken and aching for her own mother.
A picture of love, grace, and a true servant's heart.
Thankful for these women in my life.
Thankful for Jesus making a way and that He will welcome us all home one day.
We just have to wait, and keep loving and serving in the meantime.</pre>
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Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-84682879565362922832013-01-30T13:14:00.000-08:002013-01-30T13:14:05.163-08:00Letting Go, Seeing Him<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #2a2a2a; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"></span><br />
<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;">I dislike planners. I dislike calendars. I get annoyed with timelines. </pre>
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<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;">You see I struggle with control and all these things help me control.
I realize I only have total peace when I let it all go. I see Jesus more and His work when I open my eyes to His goodness and plans. </pre>
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</pre>
<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;">Why do we set up our life and timeline the way we want it and then beg God to do it our way Why do we think we know best? And then we are completely devastated when things don't go as we planned. We are left doubting God and His purpose.
I do this and desire to be free. </pre>
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</pre>
<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;">The past year I have felt such freedom.
Freedom from control, from planning and simply just letting Jesus.
And he has shown His goodness in mighty ways, ways I didn't foresee or plan. </pre>
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<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;">Moving to California.</pre>
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<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;">Healing our hearts a little more each day.</pre>
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<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;">Giving us hope, grace, strength, and love. </pre>
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<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;">Adopting our second son. </pre>
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<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;">We just got back from spending a week with our son Israel. He is amazing and loud, funny and sweet.
And we didn't plan these things but God did from the very beginning. </pre>
<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;">I got to watch my daughter's prayers unfold in two parts, as she got to know her little brother and also as she got to meet her birth sister.
God answered her prayers in ways we didn't plan but in ways He put forth into motion.
He gave me a renewed hope in her child like faith. </pre>
<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;">
</pre>
<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;">He is for us. He sees us and hears us. And He has plans for us.
And when I let go, I see Him more clearly and have such freedom.
Thank you Jesus.
Keep opening my eyes.</pre>
<pre style="line-height: 17px; white-space: normal;"></pre>
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Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-2272232210689259842013-01-08T19:49:00.000-08:002013-01-08T19:49:00.909-08:00All because of her prayers<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />
Lyndlee started praying so long ago. It was shortly after Gavin's death. She was heart broken and missing her brother, her best friend. So she asked us if she could pray for sisters. <br />
<br />
I was reluctant to encourage her prayers as I didn't know how God would carry it out. <br />
<br />
I was scared to love again, and to loose again.<br />
<br />
But we encouraged her.<br />
<br />
We told her God hears our prayers, that He might not answer them the way we want them to be answered. But He hears us and is for us.<br />
<br />
We were living this in our life, God answering prayers in different ways. <br />
<br />
We prayed for God to heal Gavin and breathe air back into his lungs, the healing we wanted.<br />
<br />
But God did heal Gavin. He healed our son in the most beautiful way. He welcomed him home forever! And one day He will welcome us all! Come Lord Jesus Come.<br />
<br />
For 8 months Lyndlee prayed. She rarely forgot and thanked God over and over again for bringing her siblings soon. <br />
<br />
My prayers started. I prayed God would change Lyndlee's heart or move in her prayers. And I prayed this and cried it out numerous nights.<br />
<br />
The very night my phone rang with an international phone number, I had just finished praying and crying out to God. <br />
<br />
God heard her prayers, changed them a little; but heard my little five year old daughter's request.<br />
<br />
So in 12 days we are headed out of the country to meet our second son! <br />
<br />
We were in love the moment we saw his picture and cannot wait to meet him and get to know him. <br />
We are naming him Israel. He is 15 months old and is beautiful.<br />
<br />
We covet your prayers as the week will be filled with many meetings and our court date. <br />
January 20th-26th we will be traveling.<br />
<br />
We will come back to the states and wait some more time before we can bring Israel home to our little family the Lord has given.<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17<br />
<br />Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-41771461137619453922012-11-03T20:06:00.000-07:002012-11-03T20:06:07.989-07:00He is our Home and EverythingWhen will heaven come?<br />
<br />
I can't remember what my brother looks like.<br />
<br />
I don't want to sleep in my bedroom alone.<br />
<br />
This is dinner time at our house and I hate it sometimes. I hate hearing how broken my daughter is, seeing the sadness in my husband's eyes when these quiet things are said, seeing her deep ache in missing her sweet brother and hearing her simple question of when, that we can't answer.<br />
<br />
But I love it in the same breath, because nowadays we talk about things that truly matter. <br />
We talk about heaven because it is our home. We talk about seeing Jesus face to face because He is everything. We talk about loving God and loving people because that is what God wants of us.<br />
We talk about Gavin being more than okay now because his every need is met.<br />
<br />
Tomorrow I am running a race.<br />
And this race I still question God and ask Him on occasions, why are we on this life race Lord?<br />
Tomorrow I am tackling 13.1 miles Lord willing because my son taught me to run.<br />
Tomorrow I will simply run to run the race God has written for my family and I. <br />
I will run to thank God for the three children He has placed into our family.<br />
I will run because tomorrow is orphan sunday and we all can play a part in taking care of and loving orphans.<br />
I will run and keep running because heaven is our home and Jesus is everything.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-12334169141027550872012-11-01T13:25:00.000-07:002012-11-01T13:25:28.337-07:00Wise Preschool
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 16.0pt;">WISE PREPATORY PRESCHOOl<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 21px;"><b><u><br /></u></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 16.0pt;">We
would love to have you join and partner alongside this great ministry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Brice
and Amanda Wurdeman moved to St. Vincent with their three children in December
2011.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are missionaries on the
island and the directors at Windward Islands School of Evangelism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They have such great love and hearts for
others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 16.0pt;">They
have now started a preschool to reach more for Jesus.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Despite
living the island life, some of these children come from poor homes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And some of these homes are without
electricity and running water.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Your
$25 monthly sponsorship, your love, and your prayers will help with many things
each day including: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 16.0pt;">*Help
pay a helper teacher.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is from St.
Vincent and this is her very first job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It helps provide for her family.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 16.0pt;">*Help
children receive education and to be able to learn and play with other children
their age in a safe and loving environment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 16.0pt;">*Help
children hear a Bible story and hear about Jesus’s great love for them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 16.0pt;">*Help
feed a snack to each child.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 16.0pt;">*Help
pay for their school uniforms.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 16.0pt;">*Help
pay for the fans and lights in the classroom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Contact
me for more information.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Janna
Conklin<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-31447528423633760222012-10-17T09:49:00.000-07:002012-10-17T09:49:02.900-07:00Thankfulness<br />
I am thankful for wonderful families stepping up and supporting sweet children in St. Vincent. All ten students at the Wise Preparatory Preschool have sponsors in the United States.<br />
<br />
I am thankful that even through my questions and wanderings, my God still loves me and wants me.<br />
<br />
I am thankful that though our hearts are broken and our whys may never get answered, our sweet boy has all the answers, and one day we will too.<br />
<br />
I am thankful my sweet Gavin has Jesus face to face, and that my sweet Lyndlee understands more about heaven, and Jesus' great love.<br />
<br />
I am thankful for my husband who works so hard to provide for our family and loves everyone as Jesus loves.<br />
<br />
I am thankful for a church that teaches us to love and serve as Jesus serves; a church that teaches my daughter more about the Father's Love.<br />
<br />
I am thankful for my super smart five year old daughter that has a huge heart and love for others. <br />
<br />
I am thankful for my sweet ornery boy who continues to teach me even while we are apart.<br />
<br />
I am thankful for the cross, for the Father's Love and that this is not the end.<br />
<br />
I am thankful for three pumpkins on my porch that represent my three children that the Lord has given me.<br />
<br />
There are many hurdles and prayers still before our third child comes home to us. <br />
<br />
But I will keep trusting, keep serving, keep loving, and being thankful. <br />
His plans for our life continue to surprise me and I still ask questions. <br />
<br />
But I am so thankful He loves me.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwiob8NFQdjGjPvEM0avDlKlGUaMWpcdo9LKU5LFY4NHV2xh9vbMBvt0NPzMJ4hIEWEVdM8W9qMUb14A7N6sG_l3xWiWS3U365LvaixL9YSOhjlm4VKYAnZdeQ8usEnh7Ob4X-EUPF2rFf/s1600/3+pumpkins.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwiob8NFQdjGjPvEM0avDlKlGUaMWpcdo9LKU5LFY4NHV2xh9vbMBvt0NPzMJ4hIEWEVdM8W9qMUb14A7N6sG_l3xWiWS3U365LvaixL9YSOhjlm4VKYAnZdeQ8usEnh7Ob4X-EUPF2rFf/s320/3+pumpkins.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-32874593948162548132012-09-24T17:10:00.000-07:002012-09-24T17:10:50.103-07:00Even IfIn the book of Daniel King Nebuchadnezzar builds a large image of gold and commands everyone in the kingdom to bow down before it. <br />
But three men refused. These three men were brought before the King who then told them to bow down to the image he built, or he would throw them into the furnace. <br />
<br />
I love their response.<br />
<br />
If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But EVEN IF he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.<br />
<br />
They had faith. They had faith and trust in God even if they were going to be burned alive.<br />
<br />
I wanted this response last year when Gavin died. I wanted this response in my heart. But it wasn't my first reaction. I was angry and broken. And somedays I still am.<br />
But I feel like my family has been learning to live this response. <br />
We keep trusting God, we keep serving Him and following Him even when His plans don't make sense.<br />
<br />
I have been praying for God to let me have this reaction with whatever happens next in our life.<br />
And I feel He is giving me that chance once again, stretching me and changing me.<br />
<br />
My daughter has been praying some very bold prayers for 7 months now. These prayers are not anything that we told her or asked her to pray for. They are all from her heart. And I don't know how these prayers are going to come about or if they even will. So we tell her to pray, to ask God because He is in control.<br />
<br />
And I haven't wanted to talk with my five year old about the times God answers our prayers in different ways. But we have lived through this, she knows it. <br />
<br />
So today I feel God giving me the chance to have the response of these three men. <br />
<br />
Even if my daughter's prayers aren't answered the way her heart thinks and so desires, we will still serve God. We will still love God. We will still follow Him and His plans.<br />
<br />
Even if.<br />
<br />Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-47278573571263727322012-09-15T15:26:00.003-07:002012-09-15T15:33:32.599-07:00WISE PREPATORY PRESCHOOl<br />
<br />
We would love to have you join and partner alongside this great ministry.<br />
<br />
Brice and Amanda Wurdeman moved to St. Vincent with their three children in December 2011. They are missionaries on the island and the directors at Windward Islands School of Evangelism.<br />
They have such great love and hearts for others. <br />
<br />
They have now started a preschool to reach more for Jesus.<br />
Despite living the island life, some of these children come from poor homes. And some of these homes are without electricity and running water.<br />
<br />
Your $25 monthly sponsorship, your love, and your prayers will help with many things each day including:<br />
*Help pay a helper teacher. She is from St. Vincent and this is her very first job. It helps provide for her family.<br />
*Help children receive education and to be able to learn and play with other children their age in a safe and loving environment.<br />
*Help children hear a Bible story and hear about Jesus’s great love for them.<br />
*Help feed a snack to each child.<br />
*Help pay for their school uniforms.<br />
*Help pay for the fans and lights in the classroom.<br />
<br />
Contact me for more information.<br />
Thank you.<br />
Janna Conklin
<br />
<br />
<br />
To read more about WISE:<br />
http://www.windwardislandsschoolofevangelism.org/<br />
<br />
To follow along Brice and Amanda's heart and love for others: http://briceamandawurdeman.blogspot.com/<br />
<br />Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-23893914780766651702012-09-13T18:50:00.004-07:002012-09-13T18:50:41.645-07:00Heaven HomeHome.
Yesterday we closed on a house we used to call home.
And while I was excited and praising God for providing buyers, I was heartbroken too.
I envisioned watching both of my sweet children growing up in that house.
I loved seeing my husband walk in from work and the kids tackling him.
I had these plans for our life.
But they were not what the Lord planned.
And I have learned through this past year that His ways are not like my ways, and His thoughts not like my thoughts. His ways and thoughts are higher, though at times I do not understand.
Today I struggle to call anything home and I believe that is okay.
Because I love my family. I love where God has us serving. I love Real Life Church. I love the beauty of California that brings joy to my soul, and the sweetness of the new people God is putting in our lives. I love my close friends and family that just get me and know when I need to talk everything out and have a good long cry.
I love to walk my sweet tiny princess to school and pick her up each day. I love seeing her excitement when her daddy walks in the door from work. I love seeing my husband pour his heart out for the Kingdom work God has set before him. And I love I get to hold his hand and be his wife. I love that God brought Gavin into our lives and now my sweet baby boy is in the arms of Jesus. I love the goodness God is pouring onto us each day. I love the hope He gives us as an anchor for our souls. I love how He loves me and desires me even through my questions and my wandering.
The lesson God wants me to grasp is this place is not our home.
Gavin is home and so many others that have gone before us are finally home.
They are home with Jesus and that gets to be our home as well one day.
And that is our home, our heaven home.
But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await our Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like His glorious body. Philippians 3:20-21
Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-85357564448228972972012-09-02T19:08:00.002-07:002012-09-02T19:08:34.541-07:00Lyndlee and I found these at Target Dollar spot. They had all these different things you could use and we couldn't believe how perfect each was for our sweet family.
Brennan loves cooking and feeds us so well. Brennan and Lyndlee like when I have my hair in pigtails. Lyndlee is the princess in love with horses. And Gavin and balloons are a perfect match.
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Brennan is gone this weekend taking college kids camping.
So Lyndlee and I have been missing him and Gavin deeply but making the most of these days. Its the weekend for princess time, craft making, and a lunch date to Tea Garden Restaurant. Only my daughter would get more excited over the plastic around the chocolate dessert. She asked if she could take it home and said she had a great idea for it. She made it into a craft. Only my daughter.
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God is faithful friends. It seems like on the days when it just seems to be too much or I have reached my limits, He is there or sends a friend. My mom or a close friend will call and just really pour into my life. It is such medicine for my soul. Thank you friends for encouraging me and I pray I am in turn encouraging you and pouring into your lives.
Today I volunteered in the three year old class at church. God is doing some things that I don't quite understand. I asked to help and this was the room that needed help. I want to be obedient and listen to His call.
I was hesitant to go but my sweet girl encouraged me this morning with her smile and kindness. We put on our shoes, Lyndlee putting on her fancy Leanne shoes, and walked out of the house in faith; trusting in God's goodness, love and mercy.
Being in the three's room, seeing these sweet kids and thinking of my Gavin being three yes broke my heart but I also see it did my heart good. These were beautiful creations of the Father that I got to spend just a few moments with.
I stayed though at times I wanted to walk away. I played with the kids. And even when a sweet little Asian boy walked in and it nearly knocked me off my feet, I still stayed.
Volunteering in that room may not be the best fit for me and that is okay.
This week I am helping at a local preschool in the three year old room. Again I don't know what God is doing but I am excited to see what unfolds. Perhaps maybe this is to heal my heart more, to let me love on these sweet kids and let me think of my sweet boy at the same time.
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School for Lyndlee has been such a great time. She doesn't cry when we leave her. She has met a good friend that lives just a few houses down from our house. They look for each other in the morning at recess and are so sweet. And every craft she brings home you better believe she tapes it on her wall. I love my crafty girl.
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Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-21757150197404277512012-08-28T18:49:00.001-07:002012-08-28T18:49:38.513-07:00HonestyKids have a way. They are honest and forward about everything and it works.
Sure it might embarrass us as parents at times but it doesn't embarrass them.
The other day at the park Lyndlee met a boy and they started to play together.
He had dark skin, he was African American.
Lyndlee loves to see how God has made each of us different and has given us different gifts. She makes note of this always no matter where we are at.
So she told the boy that he had really dark skin. And the boy said no I don't.
And then she said, you have darker skin than me and just smiled at him.
He looked at her and saw her glasses. Then he asked, "Are you handicap?"
Lyndlee said what does that mean?
And the boy said you know, because you have glasses.
Brennan and I were just smiling and laughing quietly.
But then it got me thinking.
Kids are so honest and blunt and you know what, it works.
There isn't hard feelings.
They can tell each other truth and asks questions when they want to know an answer.
So what has happened to us as adults? Why can't we talk to each other?
Why can't we be honest with each other? Why can't we play nice?
Why can't we look past the colors of our skin and the differences we have and just love each other. Why can't we love like He loves?
Why can't we be more like children and just be honest with each other?
An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips. Proverbs 24:26Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-49180984702328613782012-08-27T12:07:00.001-07:002012-08-27T12:07:49.787-07:00My tiny princess at school.
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Gavin's name means battle hawk. Thank you Jesus for this gift.
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So tired after the first day of school but still holding on to the marker.
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Celebrating Lyndlee's 5th Gotcha Day. I love these two!
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She makes me heart sing.
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Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-81023561083591632762012-08-27T11:52:00.001-07:002012-08-27T11:52:30.839-07:00He Still Is.It seems as though I just don't have any words these last few days. I feel broken and all used up today. I struggle Sunday nights because I know Monday is right around the corner. And I still get angry at God. I cry out to Him saying He changed these plans, He changed my job and my mommy heart. I beg him to tell me what He wants me to do.
Lyndlee is adjusting to school. She is so brave. Most days we leave her crying and it breaks our hearts. But when we pick her up she is smiling and lets us know the things she learned and all the fun she had. She definitely does not get craft time because she comes home and spends hours cutting, drawing and gluing. She makes my heart smile.
Yesterday we found out a friend she made at school goes to Real Life Church and we all attend the same service Sunday night so the girls are in class together at church too. Thank you Jesus for this connection. We have been praying for a friend for our sweet girl. She also made some new friends at the SoCal Taiwan Reunion. And the friend she really got close too actually lives in our town as well.
We leave her in the palm of His hands every single day as we walk out of the school gate and she is out of our reach and out of our sight. And this is something that I need to figure out and get through emotionally. All last year she was with me all of the time. Every laughter, joy, anger, sobbing, questions, etc. were my job. And we communicated through everything or we just held each other and were quiet some days. But now its different and I am away from her. I don't know how her emotions are, I don't know what she is feeling. And I don't understand His ways. But I leave her in His hands.
We put Gavin in Jesus' hands and my flesh tells me daily but now he is gone. But my heart knows Gavin is still in His hands. I know Gavin is where we all want to be. He is home. And we just want to go home too. So we wait. And what I keep coming back to is I don't understand God's ways. But they are His ways and they are higher than my own.
So I keep waking up. I keep trying to love and serve. I keep running. I try to keep my eyes opened for His goodness.
For He is still God. He is still good. He is still here. He is coming back.Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-61683089601976193422012-08-14T18:22:00.001-07:002012-08-14T18:22:51.025-07:00God's goodness pouring outGod's beautiful creation to enjoy and soak in on my run.
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My sweet girl playing with Little House paper dolls.
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My sweet husband cooking dinner for his girls.
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Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-87906517818750198462012-08-13T20:12:00.002-07:002012-08-13T20:12:10.619-07:00Life NowWe made it to Saugus, California. Our new house is wonderful. We had family with us helping us on the long trip. Everything went so well and they helped so much with unpacking and getting our house set up. We have had some plumbing trouble but sometimes things just don't seem so big anymore. We can handle it.
I have decided to turn this blog into looking for God's goodness each day and each moment.
I feel like God is just pouring out His goodness daily and I need to keep my eyes open for it.
I have also been writing our story. Not sure where it is going other than just helping my heart.
Lyndlee is busy making art projects all day long. It is so good for her heart.
The other day she mailed 25 art pictures to people that she loves dearly. I love how she loves all through her heart.
She starts school on Thursday and is ready. I am not. I feel like we have had so many changes this past year and that is just one more.
But this one seems to be hitting me really hard.
I need to figure out what I am doing when she is at school. And I wasn't supposed to be figuring this out. Gavin would have been home with me. We would have been serving in another country at this time. But this was not the plan God had written. And I have to daily get my heart ready to serve and love through the changes. For He is still good and He is still here.
We love Real Life Church and are so excited to be apart of what they are doing here in Santa Clarita. The people are so friendly and wonderful. Lyndlee has just come out of her shell and is so brave here. She even slept in her own bed last night.
Brennan is getting to know everyone at the office and remembering all of their names. Already I see God using him here. I am so thankful God brought him here to be apart of this team.
I am training for a half marathon in November. Running and looking at God's goodness and beautiful creation is good for my heart and soul.
Gavin's heaven day came and passed. We just spent the day together as a family. We felt God's goodness and love all through the day through emails, texts, calls, special things brought to our house, family in Missouri letting balloons go, and peace from the Lord.
Thank you for praying and remembering our family.
Longing for Home.
Blessings and Love.
Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-15921353422215257602012-07-25T19:49:00.002-07:002012-07-25T19:49:31.823-07:00Pieces Of His GoodnessFriend from church made me this necklace from Gavin's Chinese outfit.
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She also made these stockings for Lyndlee and Gavin. These are made from special things of the kids, like their blankets and clothes we sent to them in Taiwan and also special shirts they wore last year.
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This lid. God's goodness and humor wrapped up in one, tied in with Gavin being naughty. My mother in law had brought me back this cute little bowl and lid from Mexico a few years back. I had lost the lid about a year ago. The other day while some dear loved ones came over to help me pack, we found the lid in one of my vases. Gavin took the lid and put it in the vase. I know it with all my heart. I could literally seeing him hiding it in there, I could hear his giggle and I could see him running away.
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Shorts from a friend that had anchors all over them. Thank you Lord. And my sweet daughter reciting that Hebrews 6:19 verse out loud. We have this hope as an anchor for our soul.
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My sweet girl. Need I say anymore.
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Lyndlee's recent picture for my Bible. Love her heart. Love her. Love His continued whispers to her little heart. Love she knows Jesus is the King and He is making everything new.
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2u8M2rbfnid9nQA2wCaTriACyQ15uzqPzEnFyA9-ShgbbU1MDRE4jTUcpMDJUXu2S0dUuLfviduxZoTCtVSkpjKrJURNffiHyiEDQsfupP3lQTxutj7pp_7BQOzg_Jw7rJXddhI09GNmz/s1600/DSCN4725.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="240" width="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2u8M2rbfnid9nQA2wCaTriACyQ15uzqPzEnFyA9-ShgbbU1MDRE4jTUcpMDJUXu2S0dUuLfviduxZoTCtVSkpjKrJURNffiHyiEDQsfupP3lQTxutj7pp_7BQOzg_Jw7rJXddhI09GNmz/s320/DSCN4725.JPG" /></a></div>Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-907452317791569267.post-10330420519770099832012-07-21T21:02:00.000-07:002012-07-21T21:02:41.315-07:00Aching yet feeling His goodness IndeedJust finished a week of camp with some kids that I love all through my heart. My family hadn't laughed that much in a long time. It was good for our souls. It was such a great week with so many wonderful memories that we will cherish always. Coming home however was hard. To me all this week felt like Gavin was still with us on this earth. At camp I kept thinking he would not have done well so we would have had the grandparents watch him. Lyndlee was at an age she could go and really enjoy it. So coming back to Branson I thought for sure we would be picking Gavin up in Joplin and I could kiss his sweet lips and hold him tight. Its so strange how my mind works like that, thinking this past year had just been a nightmare and I would surely wake up soon. But to reality my mind came back and the sadness sank in. We drove home and I glance down at Lyndlee's hand on my hand; her skin proudly showing off her tan from camp against my white skin. And my mind thinks she has such beautiful dark skin, but my heart aches to see Gavin's darker hand right by ours. I ache for his dark skin with sun spots on his sweet little face. But then I feel God's goodness surround me, and I thank Him that He chose me of all people to be both their mommies. I thank Him for the sun spots I got to see on one of our youth kids this week; a boy I love with all my heart, a boy I got to pray over and talk too this week. An experience and joy I won't ever have with my own boy again, but an experience and joy that He gave to me in other ways. God's goodness indeed.
At camp one night the speaker talked about the day he and his wife found out she had cancer and would die from this disease. It was the very first time in my life I knew exactly what the speaker was feeling. He began to describe his reaction, how he cursed God and didn't want to sing praise songs. He remembers certain details and what the doctors said. He talked about his forgiveness towards God. And my mind went immediately back to August 9th, what the doctors told us, the feelings and anger I had towards God, the aching of leaving our sweet boy at the hospital. It overtook me and I just had to sit down and let the tears pour out. And one of my youth girls grabbed my hand and held it until I was ready to let go. It was as if God had whispered to her heart to encourage me and give me strength. God's goodness indeed.
Our friends in St Vincent are making some big dreams come true, dreams we prayed and hoped along with them. And it is so amazing and encouraging even if it might look a a little different than what we had all thought. Seeing Gavin's toys at this preschool and knowing kids will be playing with them brings me joy. Knowing Bibles were given in Gavin's name for the school, and more kids will learn about Jesus and His great love! God's goodness indeed.
My heart is feeling the heaviness of packing and leaving this house. Its just walls I know, but this house is full of every emotion and memory possible. God has it heavy on my heart to pray earnestly for whoever is going to buy it. My heart aches leaving it but I feel God's goodness in that we take all our memories with us and that this earth is not our home. This is not the end. So I will keep praying for these people who will buy this house; that it too can be a house of love and God's goodness and grace pouring out daily on them.
Tomorrow is our "see you soon" to our church and families that have walked alongside us since that August night. My heart is not ready for the many "see you soon" but tomorrow is the day. My heart aches but I see and feel God's goodness through this.
God's goodness and love comes in so many forms. Through a letter from my mom, through a "I love you" from Mama Bev in Taiwan, from texts of friends praying; from the daily comfort of the Holy Spirit, from the love of my daughter and husband. God's goodness indeed.
I might feel all these aches but I know God's goodness, love and grace are directing our lives. I know He is working and still using us, even when I am broken and aching.Jannahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08912780184522752942noreply@blogger.com0