Dream of Heaven

I humbly ask if you are reading this, to please say a prayer for my sweet daughter Lyndlee. Pray for her little heart as she misses and aches for her sweet brother Gavin. Pray that God continues to meet her in her needs and helps her heart through this. Pray for her as the sadness envelopes her at times. Pray she can have strength and courage to keep talking about her grief and share with us. Pray she continues to hold on tightly to Jesus and to the hope of His glorious and blessed Return! Tonight was hard as we were both just missing Gavin so much. Lyndlee was expressing her sadness in great depth and I knew we needed some Bible time because this is what we do. We cling to His words, we cling to His side when we can't find strength. And we decided our Bible story needed to be about heaven, about the promises we all have. So here is her Bible story from "The Jesus Storybook Bible" by Sally Lloyd Jones. Dear Sally, thank you for writing these words that spoke to our hearts in mighty ways tonight. Dream of Heaven: I see a throne. And on the throne is a King. And the King is Jesus. All around the throne people are bowing down. They are giving him their treasures. There are loud cheers and clapping, clapping and bright laughter like a thousand waterfalls and everyone bursts out singing a new song..... "This is our King! The Lamb who died, so we don't have to-our Rescuer. All Honor and Glory! Forever and Ever!" And every creature everywhere, in heaven and on earth and under the earth and in the sea, joins in. And then from all around a wide immense beautiful SILENCE. And I see Satan-God's horrible enemy-thrown down, defeated. I see a sparkling city shimmering in the sky: glittering, glowing-coming down! From heaven. And from the sky. Heaven is coming down to earth! God's city is beautiful. Walls of topaz, jasper, sapphire. Wide streets paved with gold. Gleaming pearl gates that are never locked shut. Where is the sun? Where is the moon? They aren't needed anymore. God is all the Light people will need. No more darkness! No more night! And the King says, "Look! God and all his children are together again. No more running away. Or hiding. No more crying or being lonely or afraid. No more being sick or dying. Because all those things are gone. Yes, they're gone forever. Everything sad has come untrue. And see-I have wiped away every tear from every eye!" And then a deep, beautiful voice that sounded like thunder in the sky says, "Look, I am making everything new!"

Sticky Fingerprints and Helping Hands

Sometimes satan puts on all his tricks and beats me down to the ground. That has been his goal these last few weeks that have been dark and heavy.
He whispers I am not good enough, I can't do anything, I need to go deeper in my hole and run away from people. He laughs and mocks me saying my son is dead, that I can't bear children, and that I disappoint God and others.

He is so crafty and so good at his job of misleading us and lying to us. I have been trying to beat him and overcome these feelings. But he wants me to stay down, he wants me to stay defeated.

Today I finally felt like I defeated him. I did my running this morning and went grocery shopping. After picking Lyndlee up from preschool, we came home to eat lunch, watch our sun tea turn into tea and even cleaned the house a bit. And with the help of my sweet little daughter, we knocked satan off his feet today.

You see I have been holding onto something since Gavin died. Cleaning is tough and just does not take anytime now with him gone. His continual messes and sticky fingerprints are not here anymore. He loved taking his sticky fingers and rubbing them over everything, especially all over the windows of our back door. I would get it clean, and he would immediately run his fingers all over it! He of course would smile at me and run away!
And I could never bring myself to cleaning that door now because his sweet little sticky fingerprints were all over it. Somedays I could open the blinds and look at it, other days I have to keep it shut and can't bear to look at it.
Satan had me holding on, not moving forward but staying in that grief and sadness.
So today my sweet Lyndlee asked if she could clean the window. God once again whispered to her heart to whisper to me. It was as if God was whispering, its okay daughter! Its okay to let him go because I have him!
So I watched Lyndlee wash Gavin's sticky fingerprints off the window and I was filled with pure joy. I always thought when the time came to clean it I would be knocked off my feet. But I was filled with joy, thinking about Gavin, knowing full well he is more alive than ever! I smiled thinking of his sticky fingerprints and the trouble he might be getting into, now at the throne of Jesus. Even in his worshipping, praising and work for the King, I am sure he is still getting into trouble.
I smiled watching my sweet girl help me heal.
I so wish I was with my sweet boy but I am thankful for these moments I can learn from.
I am thankful that God doesn't give up on me and stays right there with me through all the testing the evil one does.
I am thankful He keeps loving me and using me even when I am broken.

Today I am thankful for Gavin's sticky fingerprints and Lyndlee's helping hands.


Where, O death is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?
But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
1 Corinthians 15:55, 57

The Waiting

This morning at church I felt the waiting.

Those who have adopted know the word "wait". You wait for your children. You don't know how children will come into your life so you pray and wait. Then you get that glorious phone call and you wait some more until that day comes when you finally hold your sweet child in your arms. Amazing and worth all those months and years of waiting. I love how the waiting seems to disappear the moment you see your child face to face.

I distinctly remember the waiting time with both of my children.

In Gavin's waiting, I remember sitting in church and feeling the waiting to be with him, the waiting to hold him.

I remember the Holy Spirit filling me with peace. I felt close to Gavin knowing we both went to church and it made me smile. I remember thinking how awesome and big our God is that people all over the world are taking part in a church service, including my son in another country. I felt close to Gavin even though we were apart.

I remember the waiting when he had to have his heart surgery in Taiwan. I remember once again being in church, singing praise songs and thinking of my son in another country. And you know that peace filled my heart again as I knew his Papa Ted and Mama Bev were visiting him in the hospital, praying with him and singing praise songs over him. I felt close to Gavin even though we were apart.

And when we finally got to be with him, and when I saw him face to face; that waiting disappeared and was worth every moment.

And this waiting came again this morning. As we were singing songs about our Risen Lord, I stopped singing to listen. I wanted to take it all in. I could feel the waiting, it was too heavy, it collapsed me and tears were pouring. My heart aches for Gavin like all the times before. But when I worship, I know those are the times I am closest to my son because that is what my son is doing! We are praising the same Lord still! So I felt close to Gavin even though we are apart and I stopped to listen because I just wanted to hear heaven singing and praising with us, I could feel it but my ears longed to hear it. Oh to hear that sweet sound one day.

This waiting is hard and satan is a crafty deceiver. Every day this waiting takes my breath away and he tries to deceive and win. But every day Jesus fills my heart and I am reminded that this waiting is worth it. Jesus conquered the grave, death has no sting. We have the victory in Jesus.

And the moment I see my Jesus face to face and run to hold my little boy again, the waiting will disappear.
My eyes will be opened and I will see, and I will understand.

So for now I feel the heavy waiting. I rejoice in my Risen Lord. And I smile that my little sweet boy is safe in His arms.

Come Lord Jesus Come.


Psalm 27:14 Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 130:5-6 I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.

Titus 2:13 While we wait for the blessed hope-the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ

Revelation 22:20 Yes I am coming soon. Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.

Love Overtakes Them All

Sometimes listening to moms talk together is the hardest, especially when they are talking about their ornery boys.

You see I had one crazy ornery boy and I could share so many stories.

But now, it hurts too much to share, to listen and not be able to add in my stories. Maybe one day I will be able too again.

So if I step away, please forgive me. So many emotions are running through my head.

How often I would vent about Gavin listing all the naughty things he would do or sing loud his accomplishments for all to hear. I was so proud of my sweet boy and loved him with my whole heart. Each day I would text my husband of all the ornery things Gavin was doing that day. Almost each week I would call my sister Julie in tears mostly, because I needed advice or new time out methods. Often I would ask her, What do I do when I have Gavin in time out and he is laughing? How do I make him stay in bed during nap time? How to I keep him from climbing things or jumping off things during nap time? And she being the wonderful sister she is, would laugh and say good luck, because her little boy was that ornery too.

Hearing other moms talk about their hard times with their boys triggers so many emotions for me; sadness, jealousy, love, anger and aching.

I am sad my little boy isn't here, my human side kicks in and I get jealous of other moms being able to talk about their boys, anger slips in and I begin to question God's ways. Aching fills my heart and I long to just hold Gavin in my arms again.

But LOVE overtakes all these emotions.

A deep love for my special boy who God chose specifically for our family. Love for his huge grin and contagious laugh that would win every stranger over. Love for his sweet, loving and caring heart that so often would amaze me. Love for how his little life touched so many people in this world.

Love for my God who showed love to us all.
This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might life through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 1 John 4:9-10

Love for Jesus my King who endured the cross, scorning its shame. Hebrews 12:2

He did not stay in the grave, death did not win, satan has no hold.
Don't be alarmed, he said. You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. Mark 16:6

Love for Jesus making a way for all of us and coming back one day to take us home.
In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going. John 14:1-4

Love for Jesus making us new.
He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Revelation 21:5

So bear with me please if I step away. I truly love how moms can share and vent with one another, that is a blessing and needed.
Know I am praying for you as I know some days you just want to pull your hair out.
Know I pray also that you cherish each moment, even the hard ones that you have with your children.
Because sweet friends, this place is not our home. And we are not promised our next breath.
And one day we will all die, one day we will all be able to go home, one day we will be with our King Jesus!
One day soon we will all finally see!