Sometimes satan puts on all his tricks and beats me down to the ground. That has been his goal these last few weeks that have been dark and heavy.
He whispers I am not good enough, I can't do anything, I need to go deeper in my hole and run away from people. He laughs and mocks me saying my son is dead, that I can't bear children, and that I disappoint God and others.
He is so crafty and so good at his job of misleading us and lying to us. I have been trying to beat him and overcome these feelings. But he wants me to stay down, he wants me to stay defeated.
Today I finally felt like I defeated him. I did my running this morning and went grocery shopping. After picking Lyndlee up from preschool, we came home to eat lunch, watch our sun tea turn into tea and even cleaned the house a bit. And with the help of my sweet little daughter, we knocked satan off his feet today.
You see I have been holding onto something since Gavin died. Cleaning is tough and just does not take anytime now with him gone. His continual messes and sticky fingerprints are not here anymore. He loved taking his sticky fingers and rubbing them over everything, especially all over the windows of our back door. I would get it clean, and he would immediately run his fingers all over it! He of course would smile at me and run away!
And I could never bring myself to cleaning that door now because his sweet little sticky fingerprints were all over it. Somedays I could open the blinds and look at it, other days I have to keep it shut and can't bear to look at it.
Satan had me holding on, not moving forward but staying in that grief and sadness.
So today my sweet Lyndlee asked if she could clean the window. God once again whispered to her heart to whisper to me. It was as if God was whispering, its okay daughter! Its okay to let him go because I have him!
So I watched Lyndlee wash Gavin's sticky fingerprints off the window and I was filled with pure joy. I always thought when the time came to clean it I would be knocked off my feet. But I was filled with joy, thinking about Gavin, knowing full well he is more alive than ever! I smiled thinking of his sticky fingerprints and the trouble he might be getting into, now at the throne of Jesus. Even in his worshipping, praising and work for the King, I am sure he is still getting into trouble.
I smiled watching my sweet girl help me heal.
I so wish I was with my sweet boy but I am thankful for these moments I can learn from.
I am thankful that God doesn't give up on me and stays right there with me through all the testing the evil one does.
I am thankful He keeps loving me and using me even when I am broken.
Today I am thankful for Gavin's sticky fingerprints and Lyndlee's helping hands.
Where, O death is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?
But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
1 Corinthians 15:55, 57
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