The Shelf I Put God On

God is letting me see pieces and pieces of good since my son died.
My human heart wishes and desires Gavin to be here while I am learning all of this, so that I can teach him all these things.
But really, Gavin doesn't need to know any of this, because he is living with his King and he already knows WAY more than what I know!

I am guilty of putting God on my shelf and I have done it for years.
I put Him where I want him, and take Him down when I need Him.

I have always tried to live like a good girl. I was blessed to grow up in a Christian home and attend a Christian school. I grew up in church and even attended a Christian College. I have memorized Scriptures, written papers about Bible books and Bible heroes, researched doctrine and truths, and tried to live my life for Him.
But I always put God on my shelf.

I needed God when Brennan and I got married and we found out I couldn't have kids. I was heart broken. I always wanted to be a mom and I saw this dream slipping away. I was surrounded by sisters, friends, and even strangers that could have babies. Anger and jealousy filled my heart, and I felt broken.
Satan attacked me in these weaknesses and held me bondage for years by this.
So after years of trying, praying and hoping; God blessed us with Lyndlee. I was floating and couldn't believe God had made me a mommy. And so I put God back on that shelf.

I needed God when we served in Haiti. My heart saw things and learned new things there I will never forget. My Haitian friends and students taught me what it means to truly love and live for God no matter what your life is like on this earth. I needed God to help me cope with this sadness of hearts breaking around me, of children starving to death, of people chasing after other gods.

About this time, I wondered if God would ever bless us with more children.
I needed God to show me. So I again took Him off that shelf because I needed Him.
And He blessed us with Gavin.
Our hearts were full and content, and I put God back on my shelf.

Life was perfect, and things were going well.

August 9th, 2010 I needed God.

That night our life changed forever and I needed God more than ever.

I needed God to breathe air back into my son's lungs. I needed God to heal my son and let him live. I cried to God like I have never cried out to God in my life. I could feel God comforting Brennan and I that awful night in our house where our son died. I could feel Him letting us both know Gavin was with Him now, but that we would be okay.
I knew God was welcoming Gavin into His arms forever, but that we were saying goodbye to Gavin for now.

And though my heart aches for my son every day, God is showing me the good He wants me to learn.

You see, I need God every moment of every day and I have to stop putting Him on my shelf.
He deserves so much better. I am such a sinner and yet He loves me so and wants me.
More than ever now, I desire God.
More than ever now, I want God. I want more of Him every moment.
I want to know His words and truth, and be able to recite them.
I want to shut the devil up and stop him from attacking my mind and my family.
I want to be able to witness to people and tell them about my God.
I don't want to see one more person die without knowing my Jesus.
I want people to look at me and see Jesus.

I want Him in my heart and mind always and never back on that old shelf of mine.

Charlie Brown Christmas

Our Charlie Brown Christmas Tree
My sweet husband cut it down himself when he was hunting because Lyndlee asked for a real tree this year.



New teeth and new glasses for Lyndlee

Life

Lyndlee loves any kind of noodles, even non-cooked kind.



Dressing up like a bird.


Seeing Amy at Dixie Stampede


Seriously we go just about everyday to check on all the horses at Dixie.

Life

So I didn't want to pick my camera up ever again, but the pictures and videos we have of Gavin are so precious to us. So I knew I couldn't stop taking pictures and videos of Lyndlee and our family, no matter how our hearts are hurting. Gavin lived his life to the fullest and he would want that from all of us too. He would want us to love like he did, loving with his whole heart! Oh that little boy taught us so much and continues to teach us today. We miss him so very much. So glad He is safe in our Jesus's arms.


This picture speaks volumes. This is how Gavin lived. And this is how he is worshipping and praising the King now each day!


Lyndlee started preschool.


Lyndlee dressed up as a fairy for halloween.


One of our youth girls chose to skip on spending halloween with her friends. Instead she chose to dress up for Lyndlee and walk around with Lyndlee from house to house getting candy. I couldn't believe it. She is such a sweet girl and we are honored to know her.


My joy

Different Now yet He is the Same

We are so different now. So many changes have happened in our little family. We are so different, yet Jesus is the same.

We are missing our sweet Gavin every single day, every single moment; but we rest in the blessed hope-the glorious appearing of our Great God and Savior Jesus Christ. Titus 2:13

Though we cannot see our son, we know where our son is, who he dwells with and Whose name is on his forehead. We believe he is learning a new song and is with the Lamb wherever He goes. Revelation 14:1-4

We believe that one day Jesus will return for us all, that we will be caught up together with Gavin in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air. And we will be with the Lord forever! 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17

satan is cruel, wicked and crafty in his schemes. he wants to use our fears, our weaknesses, our son's death to win.

But dear friends, Jesus has mastered death and therefore satan has nothing on us!
satan is cursed and is crawling on his belly all the days of his life. Jesus has already crushed his head! Genesis 3:14-15
Jesus already defeated satan in death when He rose from the grave! Luke 24:6
God gives us the shield of faith to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Ephesians 6:16

You see, we are battling a defeated foe. (David Platt)

John 14:15-17
If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father to give you another Counselor to be with you forever-the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you!

Psalm 27:1-3
The Lord is my light and my salvation-whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid?
When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear, though war break out against me, even then will I be confident.

So we are different now. We look different and we may act different at times.

But Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever! Hebrews 13:8