The Shelf I Put God On

God is letting me see pieces and pieces of good since my son died.
My human heart wishes and desires Gavin to be here while I am learning all of this, so that I can teach him all these things.
But really, Gavin doesn't need to know any of this, because he is living with his King and he already knows WAY more than what I know!

I am guilty of putting God on my shelf and I have done it for years.
I put Him where I want him, and take Him down when I need Him.

I have always tried to live like a good girl. I was blessed to grow up in a Christian home and attend a Christian school. I grew up in church and even attended a Christian College. I have memorized Scriptures, written papers about Bible books and Bible heroes, researched doctrine and truths, and tried to live my life for Him.
But I always put God on my shelf.

I needed God when Brennan and I got married and we found out I couldn't have kids. I was heart broken. I always wanted to be a mom and I saw this dream slipping away. I was surrounded by sisters, friends, and even strangers that could have babies. Anger and jealousy filled my heart, and I felt broken.
Satan attacked me in these weaknesses and held me bondage for years by this.
So after years of trying, praying and hoping; God blessed us with Lyndlee. I was floating and couldn't believe God had made me a mommy. And so I put God back on that shelf.

I needed God when we served in Haiti. My heart saw things and learned new things there I will never forget. My Haitian friends and students taught me what it means to truly love and live for God no matter what your life is like on this earth. I needed God to help me cope with this sadness of hearts breaking around me, of children starving to death, of people chasing after other gods.

About this time, I wondered if God would ever bless us with more children.
I needed God to show me. So I again took Him off that shelf because I needed Him.
And He blessed us with Gavin.
Our hearts were full and content, and I put God back on my shelf.

Life was perfect, and things were going well.

August 9th, 2010 I needed God.

That night our life changed forever and I needed God more than ever.

I needed God to breathe air back into my son's lungs. I needed God to heal my son and let him live. I cried to God like I have never cried out to God in my life. I could feel God comforting Brennan and I that awful night in our house where our son died. I could feel Him letting us both know Gavin was with Him now, but that we would be okay.
I knew God was welcoming Gavin into His arms forever, but that we were saying goodbye to Gavin for now.

And though my heart aches for my son every day, God is showing me the good He wants me to learn.

You see, I need God every moment of every day and I have to stop putting Him on my shelf.
He deserves so much better. I am such a sinner and yet He loves me so and wants me.
More than ever now, I desire God.
More than ever now, I want God. I want more of Him every moment.
I want to know His words and truth, and be able to recite them.
I want to shut the devil up and stop him from attacking my mind and my family.
I want to be able to witness to people and tell them about my God.
I don't want to see one more person die without knowing my Jesus.
I want people to look at me and see Jesus.

I want Him in my heart and mind always and never back on that old shelf of mine.