Consider Him

I am learning a lot from my daughter Lyndlee. She brings us so much joy. She teaches me to keep moving forward. She reminds me constantly that Gavin is in heaven and that he is with Jesus.
And while she struggles with wanting to know where exactly heaven is and wanting Gavin back just like our hearts do, she always concludes that he is with Jesus, and that he is happy and safe.
Somedays she has the most profound statements and I know God is whispering to her sweet heart and meeting her in her grief. She thanks God out loud that we can still laugh as a family. She asks Jesus to come soon and she prays her heart out to Him.
She proclaims He is the King and she is the princess. She sings songs to Him and talks about telling others about Him.

While we were on our way to Taiwan to bury our Gavin; friends from our church and family painted and decorated her room into this beautiful special place for her. It has been such a blessing and healing place for all of us and I can't begin to thank those special people enough. She still remembers the day we got home, and where we made her close her eyes as she walked into her room. And when she opened her eyes, she saw horses everywhere; horses in stables, horses by her bed, and even balloons for her Gavin.

The other night was the first night she slept in her new room. She decided she was ready, although we weren't quite ready for this transition. This room was where she and her brother would sleep. It was full of silly times, memories, laughs; but now pain and fear. This room was where we laid our son to sleep and found him not breathing just a few hours later.
But she was ready to tackle the fear. So all through the night I kept checking her; checking her breathing, and giving her kisses.
And then at one point I just stared at her in awe. She had won and had no fear! I could sense Isaiah 41:10 in her room, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

My heart was sad because she was sleeping in her room and Gavin wasn't there with her. I am missing those memories. He would have been jumping on her bed, poking her eyes and pulling her curtain down on her head.
But she was so very brave and was teaching me in that moment.
I could do this. She was defeating the fear and was giving me courage to do the same, to keep walking back to my own bed to sleep. And then she too, just like my Gavin, was pointing me to Jesus.
Somedays I get angry. Somedays I get sad. Somedays the fear engulfs me and satan attacks me in everything. Somedays I am overflowing with God's peace and comfort, and then somedays I feel like I can't go on.
But I can and will walk this journey.

I can run with perseverance this race He has marked out for us. I will fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of God. When I am angry, sad, fearful, overwhelmed and missing Gavin; I will think of Jesus, I will consider Him.

Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
Hebrews 12:1-3