Anger & Blessings

These past few weeks I have entered an anger stage. In my human mind, I am angry that God chose not to heal Gavin and breath life back into his lungs. I am angry that we are hurting and on this walk of grief. I am angry that God won't show me just a glimpse of His purpose. I am angry I can't be with my sweet son. But God doesn't leave me alone in my anger. He sits with me, whispers to me, encourages me through songs, through Scriptures, through gentle words from loving friends and family, through the love from my sweet daughter and husband.

I won't stay in this anger, I know He will bring me through it and open my eyes a little wider to His mercy, grace and love.

So today I am choosing to not focus on this anger, but instead look at the blessings. I want to look at what Gavin taught me and is still teaching me today.

Gavin taught me how to fall in love with a picture all over again. Lyndlee taught me first and then Gavin. And while I didn't know either of them at first; I loved them, I wanted them and I became their mommy starting with a picture through email and a simple international phone call. Blessings indeed.

Gavin taught me patience and complete trust in the Lord. I wanted to be with him during his heart surgery, but I couldn't. Through Gavin, God worked in my heart and taught me the peace of God, which gave us understanding, and guarded our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Gavin taught me what the words "strong and brave" really mean and he pointed me to Jesus. He was so weak in Taiwan and so tiny prior to his heart surgery. And yet he was still described as strong, brave, a complete joy to be around. The first time I saw his scar on his chest, I cried out asking God why would He have his child go through such a thing like this? And then I heard God saying, My Own Son went through even more on the cross; for you, for Gavin, for Lyndlee, for Brennan and for so many many others.

Gavin taught me to smile more. I remember getting to Taiwan the wee hours of the night and waiting till his 3am feeding so I could hold him for the first time. He smiled and smiled at me and I watched him being silly with his daddy for the first time. You could never be in a bad mood around Gavin, it was his goal in life to make everyone smile around him.

Gavin taught me to RUN. He was always on the go, I was always chasing him.

Gavin taught me how to love with all my heart. He loved everyone and made sure they knew it. Everywhere we went, he made it his goal to make others happy and feel loved.

Gavin taught me I needed "new time out methods" for him. He was very naughty at times.

Gavin taught me to pray in a deeper desire. At age 2, Gavin was praying a simple prayer, "Thank you hahahaha, thank you, Amen. We aren't for sure what hahahaha meant but it was the perfect prayer. To this day Lyndlee recalls this sweet prayer her brother would always say.
But soon I could see in his eyes and hear that he was wanting to pray and say more to the Lord. It was an amazing thing to see unfold.

Gavin taught me that he too could help me finish my plate at dinner just like his daddy would.

Gavin taught me to belly laugh. I loved watching him tackle his sister or wrestle his daddy.

Gavin taught me to sing more. I love singing with my kids.

Gavin taught me to live life to the fullest.

Gavin taught me reliance on the One True God.

Gavin taught me to desire more of God.

Gavin taught me this is not the end.

Gavin taught me this is not our home.

Gavin keeps pointing me to Jesus.