Matthew 22:37-39

Matthew 22:37-39

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Finding my Voice

I haven't had a voice.  I haven't had anything to say.  I have been working through my silence and anger towards God.  I have been battling my grief full on.
And what is humorous is now I am going to counseling each week to find my voice again.  Because I have buried it, along with my pain.  My anger comes out in huge ugly waves but everything else is silent.  And I am slowly killing myself in a sense.  I am shutting everyone out and living in this anger.  And I have wanted nothing to do with God.  I haven't opened my Bible and my prayers are few and far between.  I feel God owes me.  I feel He owes me my son back.  I have kept my mind and heart so busy that I haven't dealt with this.  And thoughts of taking my life slip in my mind often because the father of lies tells me I am not worthy, that I am alone, and that I am not loved.  The battles are heavy and his whispers are very head on with my grief.  For he tells me I can't carry children, I can't keep them alive, and I can't mother them. He hits us all where we are the weakest doesn't he?
And now it is time to deal with it again, to battle with it once again, to fight this defeated foe. Maybe you know exactly what this means and feels like.  Maybe you read this and think oh my she is loosing it. But maybe, just maybe you too are battling grief.

So to those walking your valley of shadow of death. To those in grief and battling the father of lies. 

You are not alone. You are valued.  You have purpose.  You are loved. 

My six year old daughter made notes of love and encouragement for each person in our family yesterday. Yes we are a family of five even though when you count us here on earth we are a family of four. You see our Gavin is home with Jesus.

So my daughter wrote him a note and placed it at the place she knew, alongside the picture of them together, smiling and full of joy.

I looked at this tiny piece of paper that she wrote the initial "G" on and tears flooded my eyes and anger came quickly into my heart. Satan wanted this battle too. 

But God won my heart and mind over and softened them both. He opened my eyes to a sister's love for her brother. He opened my eyes as I watched and listened to her talking to perhaps her brother Gavin and to Jesus. When I asked her who she was talking too, she said it was her secret and just smiled. 

She knows.

She knows she is not alone and she knows she is loved by Him even in the valley. She knows she has a purpose and she knows she is valued.  Even when she has questions. Even when her heart hurts desperately to see her brother again. 

And this encouraged me greatly on a day I needed to know this truth. On a day the grief was just swallowing me whole and satan didn't want me to see any of these truths. 

May you know too my dear friend as you journey your valley.

You are not alone. You are valued.  You have purpose.  You are loved.

And you are loved greatly by your Abba Father.


Elise Dobbins said...

I'm so glad you are finding your voice. You are so loved, you are incredibly valuable, and you are not alone in your pain. I hurt along with you, as do countless others. Lots knowing your precious Gavin, and lots just knowing you. I'm lifting you up sweet girl.

Lisa Delong said...

With you at heart dear Janna. Getting along with our grief is like getting along with anyone else. Sometimes we get mad. Sometimes we just want to retreat. Sometimes we imagine being away, out of these precious painful skins. It is good that you have written so honestly how you are getting along today. It has been 14 years since my son relapsed. In July it will be 14 years since he died. I take Jacob, my youngest in for his routine leukemia check up this week. Those of us who have experienced the death of a child have the challenge of freeing ourselves daily from the complex relationship we have with grief. Keep writing my friend!

lyonessheart said...

Jana I met your sister this weekend and I was so hoping you would have been at the retreat. I wanted to love and hug on you my sweet friend. I pray for you and think of you often. You are not alone please know I'm praying for you��.