Aching yet feeling His goodness Indeed

Just finished a week of camp with some kids that I love all through my heart. My family hadn't laughed that much in a long time. It was good for our souls. It was such a great week with so many wonderful memories that we will cherish always. Coming home however was hard. To me all this week felt like Gavin was still with us on this earth. At camp I kept thinking he would not have done well so we would have had the grandparents watch him. Lyndlee was at an age she could go and really enjoy it. So coming back to Branson I thought for sure we would be picking Gavin up in Joplin and I could kiss his sweet lips and hold him tight. Its so strange how my mind works like that, thinking this past year had just been a nightmare and I would surely wake up soon. But to reality my mind came back and the sadness sank in. We drove home and I glance down at Lyndlee's hand on my hand; her skin proudly showing off her tan from camp against my white skin. And my mind thinks she has such beautiful dark skin, but my heart aches to see Gavin's darker hand right by ours. I ache for his dark skin with sun spots on his sweet little face. But then I feel God's goodness surround me, and I thank Him that He chose me of all people to be both their mommies. I thank Him for the sun spots I got to see on one of our youth kids this week; a boy I love with all my heart, a boy I got to pray over and talk too this week. An experience and joy I won't ever have with my own boy again, but an experience and joy that He gave to me in other ways. God's goodness indeed. At camp one night the speaker talked about the day he and his wife found out she had cancer and would die from this disease. It was the very first time in my life I knew exactly what the speaker was feeling. He began to describe his reaction, how he cursed God and didn't want to sing praise songs. He remembers certain details and what the doctors said. He talked about his forgiveness towards God. And my mind went immediately back to August 9th, what the doctors told us, the feelings and anger I had towards God, the aching of leaving our sweet boy at the hospital. It overtook me and I just had to sit down and let the tears pour out. And one of my youth girls grabbed my hand and held it until I was ready to let go. It was as if God had whispered to her heart to encourage me and give me strength. God's goodness indeed. Our friends in St Vincent are making some big dreams come true, dreams we prayed and hoped along with them. And it is so amazing and encouraging even if it might look a a little different than what we had all thought. Seeing Gavin's toys at this preschool and knowing kids will be playing with them brings me joy. Knowing Bibles were given in Gavin's name for the school, and more kids will learn about Jesus and His great love! God's goodness indeed. My heart is feeling the heaviness of packing and leaving this house. Its just walls I know, but this house is full of every emotion and memory possible. God has it heavy on my heart to pray earnestly for whoever is going to buy it. My heart aches leaving it but I feel God's goodness in that we take all our memories with us and that this earth is not our home. This is not the end. So I will keep praying for these people who will buy this house; that it too can be a house of love and God's goodness and grace pouring out daily on them. Tomorrow is our "see you soon" to our church and families that have walked alongside us since that August night. My heart is not ready for the many "see you soon" but tomorrow is the day. My heart aches but I see and feel God's goodness through this. God's goodness and love comes in so many forms. Through a letter from my mom, through a "I love you" from Mama Bev in Taiwan, from texts of friends praying; from the daily comfort of the Holy Spirit, from the love of my daughter and husband. God's goodness indeed. I might feel all these aches but I know God's goodness, love and grace are directing our lives. I know He is working and still using us, even when I am broken and aching.