Truly Life

Something I have learned, is that grief is different for each person experiencing it.

What some do, may not work for others.

My husband was making arrangements for Gavin's funeral, and I knew I needed to help make some hard decisions too. I remember my parents and sister in the room with me as I was starting to go through Gavin's clothes the day after he died. I needed to do it then because I knew I would have their help and I also knew I wanted other boys to be blessed by these things. I didn't want to store them and keep them in the closet.
Yes it took my breath away and I couldn't even finish the task. You see I am a planner and had it all organized and even had the bigger sizes out for Gavin to grow into. So many hours I spent organizing it and making it just the way I thought it needed to be. Now I was looking at it, knowing I would never be pulling out another shirt for him from that closet. I would never be chasing him to put his clothes on him. I looked at it with different eyes, aching for my sweet boy, but also thought how much time, energy, and money was put into all these things; these things Gavin couldn't use anymore.

Materialism is something I battle all the time. Living a year in Haiti opened my eyes to how blessed and spoiled we are as Americans. We have everything we need and then some right at our fingertips, and still aren't happy; we still want more.
We have commercial after commercial telling us we need this new phone, this new car, these new clothes, these certain foods etc. to live a great life.
In Haiti we were away from all of that junk.
Instead we had neighbors who would shower outside with buckets of water as they didn't have inside bathrooms. We had students walk miles and miles to get to school and church. We were surrounded by friends and neighbors that didn't have electricity. We had students that would eat only one meal for the day because that was all they had or could afford. We saw people hungry on the streets and begging for food. And we saw time after time after time, smiles of joy and pure contentment with what they had and what they had been given. And this changed us.

We wanted to live differently when we returned to the states but found ourselves sinking right back in.
We told ourselves we needed the SUV for more space for the kids. We needed the house in the cute neighborhood with a fence. We needed thing after thing and we justified it all.

And I thought we were doing well with attacking the materialism beast.

But that day I was looking through all of Gavin's clothes, toys, etc. and I was ashamed.
Had we gotten it all wrong yet again?
I was ashamed we had so many things in our house, and in our closets as I looked around. And my heart was broken because Gavin didn't need any of it anymore. He wouldn't ever come back for it and he didn't need it because he was at the throne of God, our true home. He was seeing Jesus face to face, he was seeing truly beautiful things my mind can't even imagine.
He was living true life now.

Had I taught my children that the Lord has blessed me with, that we don't need all these things? Did I teach them everyday that Jesus is our pure joy and only in Him are we truly content.

1 Timothy 6:17, oh how I have twisted that verse to justify my materialism.
I say, God gives me these things to enjoy, its okay.
But really we forget to read all around the verses. Right after that verse it says, "Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so they they may take hold of the life that is truly life.

Just today I got a message from my friend saying that Gavin's clothes were passed along to some sweet little boys in St. Vincent.
How that comforts my heart and soul knowing someone else is being blessed by his little life.

All the things Gavin had on this earth, he couldn't take anything with him.
Though we are apart, my sweet boy is still teaching me and pointing me to Jesus everyday.
We can't take anything with us either, we won't need too.
So instead of buying more, I pray I give more.
So instead of hoarding more, I pray I share more.

I want to take hold of life that is truly life.