Carried by your constant grace, held within your perfect peace

Not for sure if blogging will be happening but with everything else in my life right now, I have to give it a try and see what the Lord wants and how He will use it.

Right now God has my family and I out in this boat, the boat where we are all out of our comfort zone each and everyday, but completely relying on Him for everything, from every breath to simply just His strength to make each day.
Never have I felt so close to the Lord; never have I desired so much to be in His word, but never has my heart been so broken.

We said goodbye to our sweet baby boy Gavin Pan, here on earth, on the night of August 9th. I don't even know what to say after that because I am still so raw and broken.
I still want to wake up from this nightmare. I want to wake up and see him in our house, to see him playing with his sweet sister, to see him running after his daddy, to hear him say mommy, to get after him from climbing and jumping off of everything. Gavin was such a wild, fun, loving child. He loved everyone and he was loud and crazy! And now, our house is quiet, so quiet at times it just hurts to be in the house.
But then God's peace, love, and comfort fill me, and I know Gavin is exactly where he is supposed to be and that he is that crazy, fun, loving person now with his Father! Somedays are so hard without him, but I will take this sorrow to know that Gavin isn't missing earth or us, that Gavin is now perfect, complete and whole, worshipping the Lord forever! And that brings me peace for each day.

I will say and know that NEVER once has God left us and we feel Him in everything, in every hard decision we have had to make, in the midst of even that night that Gavin passed, in the hours of flying to Taiwan to bury our sweet son, and in every day after where we are trying to grieve and live this new normal.

But satan is always there too trying to get us to fall, tempting us and making our minds wonder back to awful and painful times. But we know God is stronger and bigger and that He will help us fight every temptation and that satan will not win this battle. He did not win in the death of my son. My son is more alive than he ever has been because he is with his FATHER.
Satan will not win my marriage or my family over because we trust and believe in God. And we believe in His promises and that He is coming back for us one day. And we live and long for that day and know if He does not come back soon, that He still has work for us to do.

We so have appreciated all the prayers and love shown to our family during this time. It has been encouraging and so uplifting. Some people have come up to us and have said, "We just don't know what to say". And please know its okay. We don't know what to say but we know who is in control and He holds this all in His hands.

Until we are caught up together.


Brothers we do not want you to be ignorant about those you fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever! Therefore encourage each other with this words.
1 Thessalonians 4:16-18