Blessed beyond words.

This past weekend I traveled with wonderful women to the beautiful mountains created by the Lord God.

To be honest I am not the best at making friends and hanging out with women.  Put me with children, high school students, or college students; I am good.  So God was stretching me asking me to go. Not only going but stretching me and asking me to share the story He has written for my life.

I am completely fine with sharing our story with my fuse group girls, close friends, my blog, or one on one conversations.  But to completely be open and vulnerable and share with women I didn't know, yes completely out of my comfort zone.

The day before we were to leave for this retreat, I woke up early in the morning to check my email like I have since last October.  That is what you do when you are adopting, you check your email obsessively and pray for any sort of news.
You see I had prayed that God would send news of Israel before I left on this retreat.  Going to this retreat with no news felt too overwhelming and daunting to my heart and mind.
So I opened my email and no news and I was broken but like every other morning I had a choice.  I could have sulked in the "no news" or instead give God the day for His glory and purpose and earnestly pray He would work in my heart and mind.
But I thought I would email the home in Taiwan to see just maybe if they had any news.  A few minutes later I got an email saying they had news and I could come to Taiwan to get Israel.  I couldn't believe it and had to read the email a thousand times before I could tell Brennan and Lyndlee.

At the retreat, I remember being on my knees after practicing my words and just begging God to change things once again.  Even though its been almost two years, I still beg Him to change things.  I still ache some days as though the cross is not enough for me, as though the cross and His love hasn't changed everything completely!
I was asking for God to speak through me but I was demanding I didn't want to give this testimony, that I wanted my son Gavin here with me.

That morning for session God heard my begging and denied my request but met me in the most beautiful way.
The worship leader started playing the piano and it was beautiful worship songs.
And then she started playing "Untitled Hymn" by Chris Rice which was a song that was played at Gavin's funeral.

And God spoke to me in that moment and through that song.  He reassured me that He had Gavin and that I was to speak and give Him all the glory.

Afterwards I went to thank the worship leader and she told me that at times like that she plays what the Spirit lays on her heart.  Only God.

Another moment was weeks before this retreat I was looking on Facebook and admiring these beautiful pictures that families were getting taken.  The photographer was capturing their families in beautiful and unique ways.  And my mind immediately said, "God we will never take pictures like that because it will hurt too much with Gavin being gone."

And at the retreat and after I spoke this beautiful girl came up to me and said the most encouraging words and gave the best hugs.  She then said she was a photographer and wanted to capture our family once Israel was home.  And she told me her name and her website name and I almost fell to my knees. It was the very photographer and her work that I was admiring the weeks before.
God was saying to me, "You will take pictures, you will rejoice, and have hope because Gavin is with Me and Israel is coming into your life.  And this is not the end."

God speaks.  And don't you love when He speaks directly to your heart and to your soul?

There is nothing better.

What a generous and loving God we have.  And yet I still demand things and beg Him to change things.  I am so grateful He is forgiving and understanding of my weaknesses.

So in 10 days I am getting on a plane with diapers, wipes, little boy clothes and shoes, and my heart full of love to go see my Israel once again.

And Lyndlee is anxiously waiting as she sits in his bed and plays with all his toys.

On April 30th, Lord willing, I will be bringing Israel home to reunite him with his daddy and his sister.

And we will be a family of five.  And I am blessed beyond words.

Brennan is our strong tower, the one who always points our hearts to Jesus.

Lyndlee is my joy and teaches me more about Jesus and His great love each day.

Gavin is my hero and teaches me to love others and to live each day to the fullest.

And Israel is my renewed hope, a taste of God's goodness through our famine.

Real Life

My daughter gets it.  We memorize Scripture together weekly.  It is just good for our souls and hearts.  It's a great tool to fight satan with and his attacks, to recite Scripture out loud.  God gives us the tools to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  He gives us the shield of faith, He gives us His words and His love.  After all, as David Platt always says, "We are fighting a defeated foe"!

Memorizing Scripture has helped my daughter's heart and her fears at school and being away from us.  She recalls His words when she is scared and I am so thankful for God putting His words on her heart.

Sunday we were sitting with some of my college age girls in the baptism class.  And Brennan happened to be teaching.  And I didn't think she was listening but she was because she would laugh when he would make a silly joke.  And then she drew this.  And she once again blew me out of the water with her faith.  And she once again gave me strength at a time I needed it the most.
And once again God said, "I am here, I am for you, I am with her."

She made this picture all by herself and put the Scripture reference and everything because she knows what true life is.  She knows even if we die, like her little brother and so many more before us, that we have life in Jesus.  We may die here on earth but we are alive!  And her Jesus is waiting, holding tons of balloons!!

John 11:25  I am the resurrection and the life.  He who believes in me will live, even though he dies.

So I am praying you all have real life as well and understand God's wonderful gift for each of us.  And I am praying you too are hiding His words in your heart!  Anyone can memorize Scripture, even my five year old daughter.

Another week has gone by.  And this waiting I don't understand.  I don't like to count to know how many days or years it has been since we have seen Gavin.  So likewise I don't like to count or know how long it has been since we last saw Israel.  That doesn't do anything for my heart.  It puts my heart into planning mode and trying to make sense of waiting.

Our adoption case and others are in the judge's hands.  And this happens all over the world, judges holding the paperwork, causing orphans to remain in orphanages.  They have families ready and willing to love an orphan and bring them into a home, but they hold the paperwork.  And I don't understand this and never will.

Israel is in a wonderful loving home, a place we don't ever refer to as an orphanage because it is a home of love.  And we know he is okay.  And we are grateful and thankful.  So we keep waiting.

Please pray.  Pray for orphans all over the world waiting for their family.  Pray for judges as my daughter reminds me to just pray for our judge.  Pray they make decisions and quickly.  Pray they grant favor for families waiting.  Pray for caretakers of so many orphans.  They love and love well.  Pray for the families waiting.  Pray that one day there will be no more orphans because they will all have a family to call their own.

 

Take Captive Every Thought

Fear.

I struggle with this word far too often.

My human mind playing games + satan's schemes=fear.

Sickness/fever strike fear in my heart always when it comes to my children. 

My mind can't separate this from the night my son died. He had a fever, and shortly after that he died. But deep down in my heart, I know it is different, that the situation is not the same as that August night.

But when my daughter gets sick, I think she too will die and we will have no warning. My heart goes into shock and panic starts. And I think once Israel is home I will have that fear with him getting a fever too. 

Fear makes some nights hard as I check my daughter's pulse or chest to make sure she is breathing. 

And satan starts the blame game on my heart and he begins to try to destroy.

Our adoption papers are now with the higher judge. And from day one I have feared that the judge will not rule in our favor, and that we will loose another son.

My worst fear came true once, my human mind reminds me.

And I realize this is a fault and sin of mine.

I can't live in this fear. I can't let it consume me and my thoughts. It isn't healthy and I don't like my family seeing me like this. I don't want my children to learn this behavior. 

I need to trust in His plans. I need to rest in His peace. I need to continue to place my children in His palms, trusting that He is good.

I need to take captive Every thought and make it obedient to Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:5

Courageous

This is the word I use to describe my five year old daughter.  

Her life has been full of many things already. 

Anyone who knows her well, knows her heart.  And it is amazing. It has been through so much and yet screams love and hope to a broken world. 

She has become our joy when times all we had was tears and loss. 

She is a tiny Asian princess and yet has the faith and love of a giant. 

Fear and anxiety fills her heart at times still.  And we all pray and can see God filling her heart with faith, hope, and love once again. 

Movies, change, and noise overwhelm her still.  And yet when she is ready we will watch a movie in complete silence.  And this is huge.  And it may take weeks to move the volume even to a whisper. But she does it and we celebrate because she is tackling another mountain. 

School was extremely hard for her at first.  But she has braved everyday and has had Scriptures in her heart and mind, resting safely in His palms.  

And today she won an award for outstanding effort, always trying and succeeding in her work.  And this is huge. 

She prays at times I don't even think too. She knows the One to go too and that He is for us. 

Her Chinese name means "good news" and oh my how she lives up to that meaning. 

And she is indeed courageous.

Loving and Serving in the Meantime

Death.

It is apart of us. It is apart of our life here on earth. Everyone is facing their funeral a wise friend told me and that is the truth.

It wasn't God's plans. We sinned and wanted more knowledge than God and brought death and sin upon ourselves. We wanted more when we had all we needed. Our hearts were full but still weren't satisfied.

But God is the gracious one. He still loved us. He still rescued us. He sent His own Son to die for us when we were still sinners. 

Death is no more because Jesus defeated death and the grave.
And we have this promise of eternal life too if we believe in Him.

We buried my sweet grandma last week. She lived a life full of serving and loving others. She was a woman of great faith and prayer. She was the caregiver for my grandpa when his altheimzers came. She loved when she wasn't loved back at times. And when he passed, she kept loving. She kept serving even when she was broken.

When my son Gavin died I wanted to crawl in a hole and just stop life. Many times I would call my grandma to talk. She knew death, she knew heartache, and yet she still loved and she still served.
She encouraged me greatly to keep going. She was kind and gentle and loving. 

She raised an amazing daughter who portrays all these qualities as well.

And I am incredibly blessed to have her daughter as my sweet mother.
I watched my mother serve and love others even while she was broken and aching for her own mother.

A picture of love, grace, and a true servant's heart. 

Thankful for these women in my life.

Thankful for Jesus making a way and that He will welcome us all home one day.

We just have to wait, and keep loving and serving in the meantime.

Letting Go, Seeing Him

I dislike planners. I dislike calendars. I get annoyed with timelines. 

You see I struggle with control and all these things help me control. 

I realize I only have total peace when I let it all go. I see Jesus more and His work when I open my eyes to His goodness and plans. 

Why do we set up our life and timeline the way we want it and then beg God to do it our way  Why do we think we know best?  And then we are completely devastated when things don't go as we planned. We are left doubting God and His purpose. 

I do this and desire to be free. 

The past year I have felt such freedom. 

Freedom from control, from planning and simply just letting Jesus.

And he has shown His goodness in mighty ways, ways I didn't foresee or plan. 

Moving to California.

Healing our hearts a little more each day.

Giving us hope, grace, strength, and love. 

Adopting our second son. 

We just got back from spending a week with our son Israel. He is amazing and loud, funny and sweet. 

And we didn't plan these things but God did from the very beginning.  

I got to watch my daughter's prayers unfold in two parts, as she got to know her little brother and also as she got to meet her birth sister.

God answered her prayers in ways we didn't plan but in ways He put forth into motion. 

He gave me a renewed hope in her child like faith. 

He is for us. He sees us and hears us. And He has plans for us.

And when I let go, I see Him more clearly and have such freedom.

Thank you Jesus. 

Keep opening my eyes.

All because of her prayers

Lyndlee started praying so long ago.  It was shortly after Gavin's death.  She was heart broken and missing her brother, her best friend.  So she asked us if she could pray for sisters.

I was reluctant to encourage her prayers as I didn't know how God would carry it out.

I was scared to love again, and to loose again.

But we encouraged her.

We told her God hears our prayers, that He might not answer them the way we want them to be answered.  But He hears us and is for us.

We were living this in our life, God answering prayers in different ways.

We prayed for God to heal Gavin and breathe air back into his lungs, the healing we wanted.

But God did heal Gavin.  He healed our son in the most beautiful way.  He welcomed him home forever!  And one day He will welcome us all!  Come Lord Jesus Come.

For 8 months Lyndlee prayed.  She rarely forgot and thanked God over and over again for bringing her siblings soon.

My prayers started.  I prayed God would change Lyndlee's heart or move in her prayers.  And I prayed this and cried it out numerous nights.

The very night my phone rang with an international phone number, I had just finished praying and crying out to God.

God heard her prayers, changed them a little; but heard my little five year old daughter's request.

So in 12 days we are headed out of the country to meet our second son!

We were in love the moment we saw his picture and cannot wait to meet him and get to know him.
We are naming him Israel.  He is 15 months old and is beautiful.

We covet your prayers as the week will be filled with many meetings and our court date.
January 20th-26th we will be traveling.

We will come back to the states and wait some more time before we can bring Israel home to our little family the Lord has given.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.  James 1:17