My tiny princess at school.

Gavin's name means battle hawk. Thank you Jesus for this gift.

So tired after the first day of school but still holding on to the marker.

Celebrating Lyndlee's 5th Gotcha Day. I love these two!

She makes me heart sing.

He Still Is.

It seems as though I just don't have any words these last few days. I feel broken and all used up today. I struggle Sunday nights because I know Monday is right around the corner. And I still get angry at God. I cry out to Him saying He changed these plans, He changed my job and my mommy heart. I beg him to tell me what He wants me to do. Lyndlee is adjusting to school. She is so brave. Most days we leave her crying and it breaks our hearts. But when we pick her up she is smiling and lets us know the things she learned and all the fun she had. She definitely does not get craft time because she comes home and spends hours cutting, drawing and gluing. She makes my heart smile. Yesterday we found out a friend she made at school goes to Real Life Church and we all attend the same service Sunday night so the girls are in class together at church too. Thank you Jesus for this connection. We have been praying for a friend for our sweet girl. She also made some new friends at the SoCal Taiwan Reunion. And the friend she really got close too actually lives in our town as well. We leave her in the palm of His hands every single day as we walk out of the school gate and she is out of our reach and out of our sight. And this is something that I need to figure out and get through emotionally. All last year she was with me all of the time. Every laughter, joy, anger, sobbing, questions, etc. were my job. And we communicated through everything or we just held each other and were quiet some days. But now its different and I am away from her. I don't know how her emotions are, I don't know what she is feeling. And I don't understand His ways. But I leave her in His hands. We put Gavin in Jesus' hands and my flesh tells me daily but now he is gone. But my heart knows Gavin is still in His hands. I know Gavin is where we all want to be. He is home. And we just want to go home too. So we wait. And what I keep coming back to is I don't understand God's ways. But they are His ways and they are higher than my own. So I keep waking up. I keep trying to love and serve. I keep running. I try to keep my eyes opened for His goodness. For He is still God. He is still good. He is still here. He is coming back.

God's goodness pouring out

God's beautiful creation to enjoy and soak in on my run.

My sweet girl playing with Little House paper dolls.

My sweet husband cooking dinner for his girls.

Life Now

We made it to Saugus, California. Our new house is wonderful. We had family with us helping us on the long trip. Everything went so well and they helped so much with unpacking and getting our house set up. We have had some plumbing trouble but sometimes things just don't seem so big anymore. We can handle it. I have decided to turn this blog into looking for God's goodness each day and each moment. I feel like God is just pouring out His goodness daily and I need to keep my eyes open for it. I have also been writing our story. Not sure where it is going other than just helping my heart. Lyndlee is busy making art projects all day long. It is so good for her heart. The other day she mailed 25 art pictures to people that she loves dearly. I love how she loves all through her heart. She starts school on Thursday and is ready. I am not. I feel like we have had so many changes this past year and that is just one more. But this one seems to be hitting me really hard. I need to figure out what I am doing when she is at school. And I wasn't supposed to be figuring this out. Gavin would have been home with me. We would have been serving in another country at this time. But this was not the plan God had written. And I have to daily get my heart ready to serve and love through the changes. For He is still good and He is still here. We love Real Life Church and are so excited to be apart of what they are doing here in Santa Clarita. The people are so friendly and wonderful. Lyndlee has just come out of her shell and is so brave here. She even slept in her own bed last night. Brennan is getting to know everyone at the office and remembering all of their names. Already I see God using him here. I am so thankful God brought him here to be apart of this team. I am training for a half marathon in November. Running and looking at God's goodness and beautiful creation is good for my heart and soul. Gavin's heaven day came and passed. We just spent the day together as a family. We felt God's goodness and love all through the day through emails, texts, calls, special things brought to our house, family in Missouri letting balloons go, and peace from the Lord. Thank you for praying and remembering our family. Longing for Home. Blessings and Love.

Pieces Of His Goodness

Friend from church made me this necklace from Gavin's Chinese outfit.

She also made these stockings for Lyndlee and Gavin. These are made from special things of the kids, like their blankets and clothes we sent to them in Taiwan and also special shirts they wore last year.

This lid. God's goodness and humor wrapped up in one, tied in with Gavin being naughty. My mother in law had brought me back this cute little bowl and lid from Mexico a few years back. I had lost the lid about a year ago. The other day while some dear loved ones came over to help me pack, we found the lid in one of my vases. Gavin took the lid and put it in the vase. I know it with all my heart. I could literally seeing him hiding it in there, I could hear his giggle and I could see him running away.

Shorts from a friend that had anchors all over them. Thank you Lord. And my sweet daughter reciting that Hebrews 6:19 verse out loud. We have this hope as an anchor for our soul.

My sweet girl. Need I say anymore.

Lyndlee's recent picture for my Bible. Love her heart. Love her. Love His continued whispers to her little heart. Love she knows Jesus is the King and He is making everything new.

Aching yet feeling His goodness Indeed

Just finished a week of camp with some kids that I love all through my heart. My family hadn't laughed that much in a long time. It was good for our souls. It was such a great week with so many wonderful memories that we will cherish always. Coming home however was hard. To me all this week felt like Gavin was still with us on this earth. At camp I kept thinking he would not have done well so we would have had the grandparents watch him. Lyndlee was at an age she could go and really enjoy it. So coming back to Branson I thought for sure we would be picking Gavin up in Joplin and I could kiss his sweet lips and hold him tight. Its so strange how my mind works like that, thinking this past year had just been a nightmare and I would surely wake up soon. But to reality my mind came back and the sadness sank in. We drove home and I glance down at Lyndlee's hand on my hand; her skin proudly showing off her tan from camp against my white skin. And my mind thinks she has such beautiful dark skin, but my heart aches to see Gavin's darker hand right by ours. I ache for his dark skin with sun spots on his sweet little face. But then I feel God's goodness surround me, and I thank Him that He chose me of all people to be both their mommies. I thank Him for the sun spots I got to see on one of our youth kids this week; a boy I love with all my heart, a boy I got to pray over and talk too this week. An experience and joy I won't ever have with my own boy again, but an experience and joy that He gave to me in other ways. God's goodness indeed. At camp one night the speaker talked about the day he and his wife found out she had cancer and would die from this disease. It was the very first time in my life I knew exactly what the speaker was feeling. He began to describe his reaction, how he cursed God and didn't want to sing praise songs. He remembers certain details and what the doctors said. He talked about his forgiveness towards God. And my mind went immediately back to August 9th, what the doctors told us, the feelings and anger I had towards God, the aching of leaving our sweet boy at the hospital. It overtook me and I just had to sit down and let the tears pour out. And one of my youth girls grabbed my hand and held it until I was ready to let go. It was as if God had whispered to her heart to encourage me and give me strength. God's goodness indeed. Our friends in St Vincent are making some big dreams come true, dreams we prayed and hoped along with them. And it is so amazing and encouraging even if it might look a a little different than what we had all thought. Seeing Gavin's toys at this preschool and knowing kids will be playing with them brings me joy. Knowing Bibles were given in Gavin's name for the school, and more kids will learn about Jesus and His great love! God's goodness indeed. My heart is feeling the heaviness of packing and leaving this house. Its just walls I know, but this house is full of every emotion and memory possible. God has it heavy on my heart to pray earnestly for whoever is going to buy it. My heart aches leaving it but I feel God's goodness in that we take all our memories with us and that this earth is not our home. This is not the end. So I will keep praying for these people who will buy this house; that it too can be a house of love and God's goodness and grace pouring out daily on them. Tomorrow is our "see you soon" to our church and families that have walked alongside us since that August night. My heart is not ready for the many "see you soon" but tomorrow is the day. My heart aches but I see and feel God's goodness through this. God's goodness and love comes in so many forms. Through a letter from my mom, through a "I love you" from Mama Bev in Taiwan, from texts of friends praying; from the daily comfort of the Holy Spirit, from the love of my daughter and husband. God's goodness indeed. I might feel all these aches but I know God's goodness, love and grace are directing our lives. I know He is working and still using us, even when I am broken and aching.

Easy

The last few weeks feel like they have been so heavy. Headaches have come like clock work each day. Broken air conditioner in the car, broke our friend's car, wet carpet in the house. House contract fell through. Blessing: God brought about a 4 bedroom house to rent in California and waiting to see what He wants us to do with all those rooms. I know He has some mighty plans. Hard painful goodbyes coming in a few weeks. Sweet hellos and introductions to follow. Big school for my girl. New jobs for us. Transition into a new home. This is all easy. We have done hard the last year and continue to do hard each day missing our Gavin and being apart. Gavin's heaven day is right around the corner. We will celebrate where he is and who he is with. But it will be hard. Grief has a way putting things into perspective for you. But through the easy and the hard, Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever.