His Lists, His Plans

I used to plan. I used to look at my calendar. Being a minister's wife, I had to have a schedule. I had to schedule our youth events, our hectic life and make sure things wouldn't run together. I would control everything. I made lists for everything. I made groceries lists, cleaning lists, menu lists, lists for the kids, lists for my husband and lists for me each day. I loved lists and I loved to plan. But those days are gone. I have tried so long to plan my life, to know what each day will bring. And what I have realized over the last year is that I have no control and that is for the best. I can't control what each day will bring. Lists today don't help me, they stress me out. I am living in the freedom of going by God's will and plans for my days. This may cause our family to not know where we are supposed to be and we might even be late to things. But we know Who is in control. He has a plan, He has a purpose. And we will follow and obey. In 29 days our family will be on another adventure to California to be apart of God's work at Real Life Church. It is nothing we planned for or put on a list. We will be going by the plans God has laid out for us and that the Holy Spirit laid on our hearts. And this is refreshing and exciting. We had our dreams laid out for our family of four and the plans set. But we have had to let those dreams die each day. It is so very hard but we will keep trusting in His unfailing love and goodness. So soon my family and I will be packing all our belongings in a truck and saying goodbye to the house we knew and loved our family of four in. It will be hard as this house was where we watched our children grow, where we laughed and loved and had so many awesome memories. But this is also the house full of sadness where we watched our son die, where we said goodbye, where satan keeps trying to take his evil hold. It will be hard to say goodbye to so many family and friends that have loved us and walked this journey of grief with us. But to me, it isn't a goodbye. We had to say goodbye to our son and that has been so hard. This is simply see you later. This is, we love you and will always be apart of your lives no matter where God takes us. This is, see you soon. So this move is filled with every emotion possible for our family. We covet your prayers. You are all blessings to our lives. We thank you and love each of you. See you soon.

Love God, Love Others

I am overwhelmed by all the kind emails, texts and messages we received on Gavin's birthday. Friends and family you are so good to us and love us so well. Thank you. Lyndlee was blessed with a sweet package from cousins that included water balloons and a fun music card for her to dance too. They know her heart well. About a week before Gavin died I came across this phrase another blogger mom had made into wall art for her little girls room. It was simple and perfect, "Love God Love Others" taken from Matthew 22:37-39. So I wanted to make this for Lyndlee and Gavin's room. Joy, do you remember how many hours you tried to hang it up, simply trying to make it straight for me? You are the best. I still have it up in their room and I feel it has become our hearts passion this past year. We want to love God and love others. So this was what we wanted to do for Gavin's birthday. So we chose to thank the people who helped our family August 9th. We thanked the church friends and our parents who came to the hospital the minute they heard the news. And they all stayed with us for those 6 hours. We sent food and cards to the ER workers and the EMT workers in Branson; and the funeral home in Joplin. We were so blessed by all their work, love and care for our son and our family. They were amazing. We sent thank you cards to two very special families that have taken us under their wings this last year. They have loved us and walked hard days with us. They have welcomed us into their family and have loved us so well. But this doesn't even come close to thanking all the people that have loved and blessed us during this time. Thank you friends. You have given us food, grief books, special gifts for Lyndlee, airline tickets to Taiwan and have made us family scrap books. You have given donations to the Home of God's Love in Gavin's name. You have called. You have come. You have emailed. You have given donations to orphanages in Guatemala and have bought Bibles for children in St. Vincent. You have organized sending letters in the mail to Lyndlee and this blessing went for 5 months. You have walked toys over to Lyndlee that you think she will enjoy. You hand wrote Scripture verses for us. You prayed and sang praise songs over our house. You made donations to hospice in Gavin's name. You made a special book of memories of Gavin that we can read and read again. You gave us a special marble set of children of the world, reminding us that Jesus loves all the children of the world. You mailed a sweater to me one day. You mailed a Bible and Scripture verse bracelet. You gave Lyndlee a Chinese Bible. You gave Lyndlee a special Minnie Mouse purse that she loves dearly. You bought balloons on special occasions to remind us you remember and love Gavin. You bought us Silver Dollar City and White Water tickets to enjoy as a family. You gave us plants and flowers. You arranged the whole funeral service. You wrote a song just for us and Gavin. You drove from Texas to be with us. You practiced and sang a beautiful song to us in Taiwan at Gavin's service. You took Brennan to a baseball game. You wrote words of encouragement on index cards. You made a huge meal for all our family at the funeral. You babysat all the kids for free at the funeral. You mailed worship CDS. You made a special CD for Lyndlee and even put a horse picture on it. You fixed our car. You mailed a necklace that says Gavin. You made picture necklaces for Lyndlee. You mailed a cross. You bought me shoes. You gave all your toy horses to Lyndlee that you played with as a kid. You mowed our lawn, cleaned our garage, stocked our fridge, and painted Lyndlee's room with horses and balloons. You made a memory collage of Gavin that hangs in our bedroom. You had your students write encouraging letters to our family. You painted Lyndlee a unicorn. You drew endless pictures of horses for Lyndlee. You bought her numerous books and you became the book lady at church. You met with me every Wednesday at Panera to talk with me, pray with me, and cry with me. You take Brennan out for hunting, coffee, food and prayer. You fixed our porch although to Lyndlee you are the one who put a hole in our house. You took me shopping for clothes. You paid our expenses at the funeral home. You love us and love us so well. Thank you. We spent Gavin's birthday wanting to do this in return, to love others. And it brought us so much joy doing these things in Gavin's honor. And then we had a nice dinner with our parents. We have some amazing Godly parents. They have done so much for us. At dinner they brought a needle and thread to fix Lyndlee's stuffed animal. They brought a plastic bag full of turkey bacon and packed an envelope full of paper, markers and stickers. They love her and know her so well. It was hard knowing we were all missing Gavin but we all shared the peace knowing he is with our Lord. We came back to Branson to find surprises for our princess on our porch. A sweet family from our church brought balloons, cupcakes and princess things for Lyndlee. It made her day, thank you friends. Balloons are special at our house as Lyndlee likes to let them fly to the heavens to her brother Gavin. So she chose a green balloon because that was his favorite color and she let it soar to the clouds. And we also do silly games with balloons as we get kitchen spatulas out and hit the balloons. We missed Gavin deeply and ached to be with him on his birthday. However most of the day felt like every other day, a day without our son, a day without a brother and best friend, a day longing to be together again. God is so faithful. He met us all day long with blessings from you friends; and with the deep love and grace that comes from His goodness. We will keep loving God and loving others.

Celebrate Indeed

Ran my first 5K in honor of my sweet boy. Over 526 names were listed on the Lost and Found website for a balloon purchase. You purchase a balloon for your loved one that has passed, join others at the balloon release and could run/walk the race in their honor. It was such a great but emotional day. I didn't want to be running in Gavin's name, because I wanted him with me. But as I looked around at so many others missing their loved ones too, I realized we are not alone on this journey. It broke my heart seeing so many families there, so many running to honor their loved one that had passed. My best friend April ran with me. She pushed me and encouraged me the whole time. I know we did my dad proud as we quoted Scripture verses to each other the entire time. Funny as he wanted us to quote on those Bible Bowl trips so many years ago, and we always fought him. And that training so long ago helped us this day. And even though talking at the same time as running a 5K was hard, we recited God's word to each other. Thank you dad for pushing us though we fought. Seeing my family and loved ones was so uplifting and I could feel the prayers from so many. Thank you deeply. Seeing my little girl and my husband holding encouraging signs up for us as we ran by did my heart good.

That was followed by a day in Mansfield with April and Lyndlee. April and I decided to treat ourselves to turning 30; so we went to the Laura Ingalls Wilder Museum. Lyndlee thought all morning we were going to see dinosaurs but ended up loving all of it. She is a girl after our own hearts.

Days away now from Gavin's birthday. These last few days we have been going to White Water in the afternoons. Today Lyndlee was playing in the kid section and this little dark haired, dark eyes, and dark skin boy kept circling the park. Melted my heart as I just pictured it as Gavin. Brennan took the kids once last year while I was in Cambodia. So I got to ask him what Gavin thought of everything. He said his favorite part was when food was brought over to him! I love my boy and could picture him chowing down his food. This 3rd birthday for Gavin will be different. We won't be planning a party of what he would enjoy or ask for. Maybe we will eat a cake. Maybe there will be balloons. I know there will be sadness. So thankful for the week being busy for our family, a blessing from God. We will still celebrate Gavin. We will celebrate his life that he lived on this earth. We will celebrate his life with Jesus now. We will celebrate Jesus making a way. We will celebrate Heaven, Love, and Grace. We will celebrate indeed.

She does my heart good

I love how Lyndlee loves. She loves with her whole heart and teaches us every day how to love better. She enjoys making pictures and wanted to mail a picture to her friend baby Ruthie who is in the hospital. She got all dressed up to walk the letter to the mailbox. I love how she loves.

She also wrote me this letter yesterday.

She told me what is says: Dear Momma, I hope you love me through your heart. I like little ponies, my favorite is twilight sparkle. Gavin is in heaven. I will wait to see him. I love him, I love daddy. I can't wait to see Jesus. I love Him all through my heart. I love you all through my heart, all way down low. Love, Lyndlee. She does my heart good. I have been blessed with such sweet children who teach me every day and such a caring, loving husband. Thank you Lord.

Running the Race

I didn't enjoy running when I was in track in high school. My love for running started with my son. Gavin was a handsome, ornery, into everything, jumping and climbing on everything kind of boy. He spent more time tackling his sister, eating food and everyone's leftovers, and making strangers smile than he did sleeping. Sleep was boring to him. So nap time was a fight every single day. At a very young age he learned to climb out of his bed. I would put him down in bed for nap and he would jump out the minute I left the room. This would be followed by Lyndlee yelling to tattle on him. He got very smart and could hear my footsteps down the hall, so he would jump back into bed. By the time I got to the room, he was back in bed; pretending to be asleep with a huge grin on his face and twinkle in his eyes. This would be nonstop for hours. This is where my love for running started. Once he finally would fall asleep, I needed an outlet. I was frustrated and exhausted and would run on the treadmill. Sometimes I would cry because I would think why is he so naughty? What am I supposed to do? Sometimes I would laugh thinking of all the things he was doing. Sometimes I would text Brennan of all the naughty things his son was doing. Gavin had an outlet too. He would get frustrated at me making him nap, so he would tackle his monkey and get angry at it. We were too peas in a pod I tell you. After Gavin died, I stopped running. Satan really used that to make me feel guilty. He made me feel like I was a bad mother; that I was punishing him making him take a nap. But in March I started back running. Now when I run, I still have him on my mind. I long for the days I would be running because I was frustrated at him. But gone are those days. So now I run to spend time with the Lord. I run to think about my sweet boy at the throne of Jesus. I run to pray for my caring husband and precious daughter who are hurting so deeply. I run to run my race. My favorite verse lately as become Hebrews 12:1b Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us and let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. I may not fully understand this race now. I may not like it somedays. But this is my race Jesus has marked out for me and I will run it, focusing on Him. Next week my best friend and I will be running a race. This will be my first 5K and it will be in honor of Gavin. Its for lost loved ones and what an honor to be running in his sweet name, knowing fully he ran his race and he is done. He has completed his work and has received his full reward from Jesus.

9 Years

Brennan and I celebrated our 9 year anniversary. He is so sweet and thoughtful. He asked a friend at church if we could borrow this for the night. It was so much fun. We enjoyed a wonderful dinner together. I love that man and am blessed to be his wife.

Lyndlee got to do all this while we were "dating" is what she calls it! She is loved and loved so well.

Hope

We traveled to Lawrence to see Eddie graduating from KU Law School. We were so honored to be there. Lyndlee was so excited to show support for her big brother. Eddie has been such a great friend, and part of our family. He always is visiting, making the kids feel so loved and special. He was in one of our first youth ministries we served at 6 years ago. Lyndlee has always had such a strong bond with Eddie and Gavin did as well. Lyndlee was beaming as Eddie walked across the stage. She said his name loud and waved at him proudly. I was cherishing the moment but sad at the same time that she wouldn't have this with Gavin. But I was thankful that Eddie and his family let us share in this moment. We are so proud of you Eddie. Come visit soon, your sister is waiting!

For Mother's Day Brennan and Lyndlee got me a new tattoo, I love them and they get me. Its my constant reminder that though the days are hard and overwhelming at times, that we have hope. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. Hebrews 6:19

This week has been hard and overwhelming; full of more firsts. This being the first Mother's Day without my sweet boy in my arms. This morning I spent time praying, crying out and just being quiet. I was not going to let the grief take over, but I thought I would stay in the house and in bed for the day but a dear friend encouraged that we come for lunch. I am so glad she did. It was a great afternoon basking in God's goodness and His creation. As we were riding four wheelers on their beautiful property, I whispered to my husband that our precious boy was seeing so much more beauty than what our eyes can even imagine! That does my heart good to remember. When I am sad and missing him, I constantly ask God to give me strength, to show love and mercy, and let me remember His goodness, to hold on to the Hope we have as an anchor for our souls. Firm.and.Secure.