The Valleys are His

I learned something from my four year old this week... kind of like to share it with you.

For one reason or another this week our family has had plenty of time in our car driving through what is called the Ozark Mountains. Now if you have never seen these particular mountains you should because they truly are amazing. Not because they are tall and snow covered like the Swiss Alps and not because they are great to ski like the Rockies but because during each of the four seasons you see God's creative covering of them. You can drive through the season of fall and see trees of every variety of color, but then the winter with ice and snow creating a vision of the resting of nature. So no matter when you see them there is beauty to be seen. It is Spring now and flowers are popping up and trees are blooming with life and we are simply taking in the Creators handy work.

Now often we see this and think wow these mountains are nice, tall, and colorful but don't take time to think on the valleys in between. From personal experience I have never driven to Colorado and said these mountains are ok but the valleys here are spectacular. And so I began to think even the valleys are created by God are they not? And isn't there beauty and life and creative design in them? And not to over spiritualize anything it came to me what about the mountains and valleys of this journey called life... We catch our breath and praise God for the mountains and try to avoid at all cost the valleys, but don't they have value and something worth praise?

Many of you know or maybe don't I am in a valley right now. Since the passing of Gavin I can still see hints of the creative nature of God but am still not able to fully breath it in like the fresh air at the top of a mountain. But I am reminded of what David sang about in Psalm 23, "even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for you are with me." I never knew the shadow of death would be my sons and not mine, it is never suppose to be this way... but that is my burden to bear and not your so I won't digress. But nonetheless this valley is here and I trust in the words of a great king He is with me. And sometimes He is with me through my daughter Lyndlee and together they taught me these two things.

1. We were driving through the mountains and valleys as mentioned before, Janna in the back seat with Lyndlee because still sometimes she does not want to sit alone. Janna was crying a little and Lyndlee asked what was wrong. Janna said, "I miss Gavin." Then Lyndlee promptly replied, "sometimes I cry and miss him too and that is ok." And you know what I felt in that moment , what I felt in this valley...it is ok. It is ok to be sad about the loss of our son or brother and God is with us saying this is ok.... I AM HERE. But this Thought leads me to another thought, is he really here? And lesson number two answers that.

2. Again we were driving through the beauty of the Ozarks and Lyndlee began to sing one of Gavin's favorite songs, Our God is so Big. Now usually this song comes and goes without a hitch but today it became like a broken record but only on one phrase. Janna and I kept trying to help her through it but without a doubt she kept repeating the same phrase which is, "the valleys are His." Over and over again this was being sung until it hit me... HE IS HERE, because the valleys are His too.

I did not choose to be here, and I pray that no one will ever have to experience this themselves... But I know just as the seasons will come and mountains will always lead to valleys this too will happen to others across the world. And when it does or if some other valley that is promised comes your way know this... God is there too because even the valleys the ones that are like the shadow of death are HIS.

Brennan

Consider Him

I am learning a lot from my daughter Lyndlee. She brings us so much joy. She teaches me to keep moving forward. She reminds me constantly that Gavin is in heaven and that he is with Jesus.
And while she struggles with wanting to know where exactly heaven is and wanting Gavin back just like our hearts do, she always concludes that he is with Jesus, and that he is happy and safe.
Somedays she has the most profound statements and I know God is whispering to her sweet heart and meeting her in her grief. She thanks God out loud that we can still laugh as a family. She asks Jesus to come soon and she prays her heart out to Him.
She proclaims He is the King and she is the princess. She sings songs to Him and talks about telling others about Him.

While we were on our way to Taiwan to bury our Gavin; friends from our church and family painted and decorated her room into this beautiful special place for her. It has been such a blessing and healing place for all of us and I can't begin to thank those special people enough. She still remembers the day we got home, and where we made her close her eyes as she walked into her room. And when she opened her eyes, she saw horses everywhere; horses in stables, horses by her bed, and even balloons for her Gavin.

The other night was the first night she slept in her new room. She decided she was ready, although we weren't quite ready for this transition. This room was where she and her brother would sleep. It was full of silly times, memories, laughs; but now pain and fear. This room was where we laid our son to sleep and found him not breathing just a few hours later.
But she was ready to tackle the fear. So all through the night I kept checking her; checking her breathing, and giving her kisses.
And then at one point I just stared at her in awe. She had won and had no fear! I could sense Isaiah 41:10 in her room, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

My heart was sad because she was sleeping in her room and Gavin wasn't there with her. I am missing those memories. He would have been jumping on her bed, poking her eyes and pulling her curtain down on her head.
But she was so very brave and was teaching me in that moment.
I could do this. She was defeating the fear and was giving me courage to do the same, to keep walking back to my own bed to sleep. And then she too, just like my Gavin, was pointing me to Jesus.
Somedays I get angry. Somedays I get sad. Somedays the fear engulfs me and satan attacks me in everything. Somedays I am overflowing with God's peace and comfort, and then somedays I feel like I can't go on.
But I can and will walk this journey.

I can run with perseverance this race He has marked out for us. I will fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of God. When I am angry, sad, fearful, overwhelmed and missing Gavin; I will think of Jesus, I will consider Him.

Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
Hebrews 12:1-3

Anger & Blessings

These past few weeks I have entered an anger stage. In my human mind, I am angry that God chose not to heal Gavin and breath life back into his lungs. I am angry that we are hurting and on this walk of grief. I am angry that God won't show me just a glimpse of His purpose. I am angry I can't be with my sweet son. But God doesn't leave me alone in my anger. He sits with me, whispers to me, encourages me through songs, through Scriptures, through gentle words from loving friends and family, through the love from my sweet daughter and husband.

I won't stay in this anger, I know He will bring me through it and open my eyes a little wider to His mercy, grace and love.

So today I am choosing to not focus on this anger, but instead look at the blessings. I want to look at what Gavin taught me and is still teaching me today.

Gavin taught me how to fall in love with a picture all over again. Lyndlee taught me first and then Gavin. And while I didn't know either of them at first; I loved them, I wanted them and I became their mommy starting with a picture through email and a simple international phone call. Blessings indeed.

Gavin taught me patience and complete trust in the Lord. I wanted to be with him during his heart surgery, but I couldn't. Through Gavin, God worked in my heart and taught me the peace of God, which gave us understanding, and guarded our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Gavin taught me what the words "strong and brave" really mean and he pointed me to Jesus. He was so weak in Taiwan and so tiny prior to his heart surgery. And yet he was still described as strong, brave, a complete joy to be around. The first time I saw his scar on his chest, I cried out asking God why would He have his child go through such a thing like this? And then I heard God saying, My Own Son went through even more on the cross; for you, for Gavin, for Lyndlee, for Brennan and for so many many others.

Gavin taught me to smile more. I remember getting to Taiwan the wee hours of the night and waiting till his 3am feeding so I could hold him for the first time. He smiled and smiled at me and I watched him being silly with his daddy for the first time. You could never be in a bad mood around Gavin, it was his goal in life to make everyone smile around him.

Gavin taught me to RUN. He was always on the go, I was always chasing him.

Gavin taught me how to love with all my heart. He loved everyone and made sure they knew it. Everywhere we went, he made it his goal to make others happy and feel loved.

Gavin taught me I needed "new time out methods" for him. He was very naughty at times.

Gavin taught me to pray in a deeper desire. At age 2, Gavin was praying a simple prayer, "Thank you hahahaha, thank you, Amen. We aren't for sure what hahahaha meant but it was the perfect prayer. To this day Lyndlee recalls this sweet prayer her brother would always say.
But soon I could see in his eyes and hear that he was wanting to pray and say more to the Lord. It was an amazing thing to see unfold.

Gavin taught me that he too could help me finish my plate at dinner just like his daddy would.

Gavin taught me to belly laugh. I loved watching him tackle his sister or wrestle his daddy.

Gavin taught me to sing more. I love singing with my kids.

Gavin taught me to live life to the fullest.

Gavin taught me reliance on the One True God.

Gavin taught me to desire more of God.

Gavin taught me this is not the end.

Gavin taught me this is not our home.

Gavin keeps pointing me to Jesus.

Manna Every Day

Some days I don't know what to pray for.
Some days I don't understand this journey the Lord has us on.
Some days I don't understand all the changes that keep happening.

Today we made some changes in our house. Our house is such a blessing from the Lord and we are so thankful for a roof over our heads. It is a house full of love and wonderful memories; but also a house of pain, fear and tears.

When the fear and pain appear, we cling to God.
For He alone is our hope, an anchor for our souls, firm and secure.
Hebrews 6:19

Absolutely there are days when I feel like I am drowning in the pain and fear.
Today has been one of those days. I question and ask, why Lord, why my son?
I am thankful for God loving me through my whys and meeting me in my grief.
I am thankful He doesn't let me dwell long on them and encourages me with His everlasting love and His truths.
I am thankful for the Holy Spirit helping me in my weakness and keeping me keep afloat.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
Romans 8:26-27

I am reading the One Year Book of Hope. I wish I could have a day to talk with the author Nancy Guthrie. She is so real and gifted in her writings. She has watched two of her children die from Zellweger Syndrome. Her purpose in writing this and sharing her story is to give others a daily dose of truth and comfort. She describes in her losses that she needs "manna from heaven". Just like the Israelites were dependent on God to provide manna for them every day in the wilderness, she will depend on God to give her the manna she needs every day to sustain.
And I so completely agree.
I need Jesus everyday.
Only He gives me strength to keep me moving.
His truths provide the manna I need everyday to sustain me.

So some days I don't understand, some days I don't know how to move on, and I lack the words for what to pray for.
This I know is that He alone will sustain me. And He alone will satisfy me. And He alone will heal my emptiness and broken heart. He alone will be my manna every day.

Our Great God

We serve a Great God who meets us in our needs, who carries our burdens daily, who loves us though we are a broken and flawed people. We serve a Great God who sent His very own Son Jesus to die for us.
He is strong and loving. He is our rock. He is our hope. He is our Savior. He is our Shepherd. He is our Father. He is all knowing. He is the bright Morning Star. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End. He is our shield. He is our refuge. He is our fortress. He is forgiving. He is good. He is great. He alone is God. He is forever.

Gavin's passing has been so hard. I did not chose this way, I did not want our life to look like this. I did not want to say goodbye to my baby boy.
But then I think, this Great Wonderful God we serve, knows our grief and is meeting us in our grief. And something I cannot grasp at times, is that He chose to send His own Son to die for us. He chose to sacrifice His own Son so that we could live with Him always. Jesus chose to leave Heaven and His Father. He chose to do the Father's will. He chose to die on the cross for us, the broken and flawed people. He made a way, He closed the gap.

He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with Him!
1 Thessalonians 4:10

Yesterday was our Gavin's Gotcha Day. I never thought we would be celebrating the day without him here. It was a hard day but had great moments given from our Great God.
My Gavin is with our Great God. He welcomed Gavin home and has provided for him, and He is comforting us in our loss and providing for us here.
And while He is doing all these things for us, He is doing loving things for others all over the world.
And that makes me fall at His feet in awe, in wonder, in love, in worship.
What a Great God we serve!
So I will keep serving Him, loving Him, walking with Him, and trusting Him.

For the Lord is good and His loves endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations. Psalm 100:5

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. Psalm 20:7

Ever Praising You

This morning was rough.

Lyndlee and I were both feeling so sad, and we both could feel spiritual warfare.

I was needing to find this important paper of Gavin's, couldn't find it anywhere.

Lyndlee was missing some horses and couldn't find the exact ones she was looking for.

Not that we needed either of these things at that exact moment, but we felt we did.

It was painful. It was ugly. It stunk. It felt like we were loosing.

But then it was beautiful, as we both felt God carrying us and God was right there, right there in those moments.

So we had a good cry together, held each other, encouraged each other, started fixing lunch, and let the praise music play loud in the house, in our hearts and in our minds and in our souls.

I love to do this with my children, to sing with them and to teach them praise songs. And as we were singing; my heart was sad missing singing with my sweet Gavin.

And it was as if God took hold of my hand and said, Oh sweet daughter, don't you get it yet?
He is singing, singing with Me and there is nothing greater or sweeter!

Thankful for His presence, His Scriptures and His love.

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign Lord comes escape from death. Psalm 68:19-20

Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. Psalm 84:4

And I heard a sound from heaven like the roar of rushing waters and like a loud peal of thunder. The sound I heard was like that of harpists playing their harps. And they sang a new song before the throne and before the four living creatures, and the elders. No one could learn the song except the 144,000 who had been redeemed from the earth. Revelation 14:2-3

The New Year

I kept telling myself that the new year was just like any other day. It would hurt like the week after Gavin died, the month after, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. It would be hard but every day is hard. I can do this.

But it felt different because it starts a new year; the year without my son, something I thought I would never say.

And then begins the series of questions. Oh God, how will we get through this? How will we serve you this broken? How can you mend our broken hearts? Why this way Lord?
And my prayers start, Oh God, please use us still. Help us proclaim Your name always and let us be a light always. Stop my unbelief and overwhelm me with your truths. Thank you for Your whispers of truth into our hearts, whispers that proclaim that Gavin has been given your full reward now; that this should bring about rejoicing not sadness.
We long for the day when we too shall see You face to face.

I never thought there would be a day I am thankful for Bible Bowl like the way I am today. For those of you who don't know what this is, here you go. You memorize chunks of the Bible, study it all year long and memorize some pretty crazy things about the different passages, and then you compete over it with other kids in other states. It would consist of lots of studying time and traveling during the year. My family was big in this, we did Bible Bowl for years.
I loved the traveling part, the time with my friends; however the studying part I did not like. And I fought it. My poor parents and the things I put them through because I did not want to study.

But today I am grateful. Because today my husband and I have quoting time, time to recite Scriptures and God's truths out loud to each other. And I can hear my dad saying "It's Quoting Time" as he did when it was time to study for Bible Bowl.
And I smile and can hear the exact way he would say it, all silly, like a character off "Gone With the Wind."

I didn't enjoy quoting time then, but I enjoy it now. I crave it now.

You see, satan knows my weaknesses. He knows my mind, my sadness and where he can slither in to attack. He knows he can slither in each night about the same time, as he brings back memories of my son dying in my home.

But that is where he wants my mind to stay and stop, to think it ends there in my son's death, that there is nothing more.

But oh how he is wrong, oh how he loves to lie. John 8:44

I recite Scripture to shut the devil up. I memorize and recite Scripture to fill my mind and heart with God's truths and not let satan's lies dwell.

It doesn't end with my son's death.

Listen I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed-in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. 1 Corinthians 15:51

But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Corinthians 15:57

Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. 2 Corinthians 5:1

Therefore rejoice, you heavens and you who dwell in them! Revelation 12:12

satan tempts and piles on fear, man, he is good at that.

But he never wins and will never win. Maybe he will keep trying and won't give up, but he has already lost and has nothing.

Temptations will come but God is faithful. He will provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one. 2 Thessalonians 3:3